It’s been happening for the past few days now, loneliness is really kicking in. At night I have no where to go but home to the empty nest I’ve built for myself. It used to be that I would crave time to spend by myself. To endulge in those activities that required minimal physical movement such as watching downloaded tv shows and playing the sims. Now I routinely turn on my computer when I get home. I stare at the screen and wonder why that was the first thing I did as I walked into my apartment. Why is my life centered around interaction with this box. I think I might have no life :P
It’s really depressing actually. But the first step towards solving the problem is admitting it. I admit that my computer is the center of all activity and entertainment in my home. My guitar gets dusty, the canvases are not getting painted, the books are saved for bus rides, and the phone is just scary. The good thing is that it is really, really starting to bother me. I feel restless and annoyed. I want to find other things to do but it’s like I just don’t know how. I stand in the middle of the living room and stare out the window. I wonder what I could be doing, who I could be talking to, who is outside, what they are doing. Many things. That’s usually followed by an attempt to come “in the moment” and to enjoy my surroundings for what they are.
At that moment I go in one of two directions: anxiety attack over what I’m doing with my life or I start doing something. Like, actually doing something, not just going back to the ‘puter. Last night I actually played guitar for a while and then phoned Jemma. Tonight, I am starting the large task of putting all my “still listened to” cds onto Waffles. Okay yes this is still computer involved… …well I think it’s very important that I construct, categorize, and organize my music collection. My cds have been ignored lately as I listen to most of my music at work from last.fm or from my itunes library. Still, there’s lots of good music there, complete albums, memories, etc. and I shouldn’t leave that in the dust. That and I want to see how large an ipod I will need when I finally get one ;)
As I’m going through my music collection I see many “embarassing” cds. Should I keep these? I feel very conflicted when it comes to this question. On one hand I will never listen to them again, on the other they are part of my past, part of who I am today. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Any answers to the “what to hold onto” question.
That brings me to my last note. I’ve enabled comments on my blog. I think the only reason I didn’t have them before was because I didn’t like the way the formatting turned out and couldn’t be bothered to fix it. But I reinserted them and I can’t remember what problem I had before so I’m not going to worry about it. So comment away, I love comments, remarks, criticisms, etc.
The summer is not that blue. Just a little restless.