Tonight that’s what I’m feeling a bit. Not a loser in the sense of not being accomplished. More of a geek. But not that computer / engineer type geek that is considered pretty cool (by other computer / engineer types??) Just a little awkward, a little trying to hard. I’m wondering how much I’ve tried to hard, been manipulative, been too choosey with my words, rather than purely be myself and say what I’m thinking. That leads me to wonder if I’m better off staying quiet, or if I should speak my mind.
These thoughts are influenced by the reading of many blogs lately. There are specifically two that I have been enjoying:
Stephanie Klein
The Daily Isolate
Both written by really funny, honest, smart women. They say what they are thinking (it seems). They tell of embarrassing moments, obscene moments, they mention names, they state opinions, they joke. It inspires me to write in the same way, but when I try to I stop. I’ll be walking home from school and I will be composing a blog entry in my head but when I finally get to a computer I think, “no that might not be appropriate”. I’m always considering, who might read this page? My mother, a relative, a potential employer, a friend who might wish to correct my story of some event we shared together?
This is why I feel a tiny weeny bit like a loser. I’m a loser in the sense that I’m letting all my worries of what “someone” might think get in the way of really letting people know what I am thinking.
I don’t know if I can change that. I don’t know if I should change that. But I’m thinking about it. I”m thinking that maybe I’m locking certain doors of opinions and feelings and dreams that should be opened. Otherwise when I die (someday) there will be so much that I never shared with people. So much that I may have missed out on because of that.
Did you know that I even pre-wrote this entry in TextPad because I wasn’t sure where it was going? I wanted to keep it in the safety of my personal digital realm before making any decisions on its unleashment. (Yes I also might start to make up more words). I wouldn’t want to say “the wrong thing” and publish that online, no.
Oh boy, getting tired cause it’s late (for me). Will maybe open up tomorrow, for now - sleep.