Because it has been a lonely day, but not in a bad way. I did go into the lab, I enjoyed being around people, but I noticed being alone while waiting for the bus, while walking to the lab from the bus stop.
I went to a yoga class at City Yoga which just opened on campus, it’s slow because that’s how campuses are during the summer… …I was the only one at the class. The show must go on and I was very grateful for it. It was a good opportunity to receive personal attention and correction. The class was just what I needed - still, I noticed how much harder it was to turn off the (as another instructor once called it) itty bitty shitty committee. I think having others around me during practice helps pull me out of my head, having people of all levels around helps me become more grounded and satisfied with what I am capable of that day. I think about it, and it is quite a contradiction to what I have felt a lot of my life. I have often assumed that if I run away from everyone I can isolate myself from judgment of myself and others, I wouldn’t have to worry about how I stood up against the rest of them. That couldn’t be father from the truth. I’m learning that the more I am alone, the more I judge, the more I think negatively.
After yoga I had plans to see Broken Flowers with a few people. Plans fell apart and I ended up checking it out by myself. I think that in itself made me enjoy the movie more because I felt it was pretty much about loneliness. Or about letting oneself never enter meaningful relationships. I don’t really want to get into a review of the movie’s plot, but watch it and think, what is this saying about relationships and life. Is it pointing to a lonely man and saying, “look at him he’s sad”? Or is it accepting of his state, portraying that maybe that’s just the way it is and ended up.
Since the movie my mind has gone off on several tangents, none of which I think I can clearly communicate. But in general, I’m thinking about:
When is it good / bad to be alone?
When can it be constructive? Destructive?
Is there an “optimal”, healthy dependence a person can have on others?
What kind of contact with others do I really need so that I don’t feel alone?
I must be thinking about this alot because it is raining outside - which is the other great thing to happen today. After what seemed like weeks and weeks and weeks of sun and boring blue skies we finally got some clouds. It was just a little overcast before the movie, but pouring when I walked out of the theatre making my post-movie daze even more surreal.