Is it a full moon tonight? I’m too preoccupied with my own little thoughts to look outside. I already tried to fall asleep once tonight but no luck. Heard some guy out in the alley, drunk, hiccup-ing and hacking. Perfect touch to my existing “nervous twitch”. Every time my hair brushes my neck or forehead I think it’s a spider. This causes me to thrash around under my blankets, sit up, turn on the light, and give all my pillows the once over.
But really. I was taking the bus home from the lab tonight and I saw a police drunk tank pulled over near a star bucks. They were talking to a distinctive looking fellow sitting on the curb whom I recognize from around campus and the neighborhood. He’s asked me for money several times and often I give him money. He makes me laugh, he says “god bless you”. The first time I was approached by him I was taken by surprised so I must have given him quite the blank look. He laughed at me and said, “hey, I know I’ve got quite the mug but you are not going to get a kiss from me”.
The last time I had seen this guy (before tonight), was as I was walking out the liquor store. It was hard not to feel some frustration that the money he said was for medication was going to booze. Sure, I was walking out of there with a good bottle of wine. But I’ve turned down drinks many a time in favour of paying for my rent, or for food or tuition. Still, I don’t know his story. Maybe that is all he has.
It’s hard. It’s mixed. It’s scary.
You want to be a good person, be generous, be helpful. On the other hand you have to question where your help is going.
Then I think - man, am I ever lucky to have all I do.
On a technical note, the Pancakes transplant did not go as smoothly as planned. The actual delivery was ok, but there were several setbacks during the operation, some of which seemed fatal during their moment. Though I think it was a success. I will be in tomorrow for a followup.