Every few hours I have these thoughts that almost become posts. But who will read it? Who will not read it? Those questions stop me so often. Lately I have nothing because it is all something that maybe I should keep from someone. It could be a passing feeling and I shouldn’t post it because it might mean more here than it does in my head. Or maybe it means a lot to me but will not receive the attention it deserves with these words. As a result, I feel as though the only things I can share right now are superficial, trivial things.
Like, for example, this question - “when was I conditioned to spread peanut butter on toast or bread before the jam or honey?” That seems to be the norm but who decided that? Tonight I put the jam on first, then the peanut butter and you know what…I think I like it more. I do remember an episode of Mr. Dressup I think it was, where he made a peanut butter and jam mixture in a large bowl. Both could then be spread at the same time.
Maybe it’s the early darkness that is getting me down. To retaliate, my body is shutting down by 6pm, I’m in bed by 8 and I wake up between 4 and 5. It feels weird, I feel out of the loop. It might also be the cold. My apartment is at its coldest between 5 and 7pm. My body starts to shut down accordingly. As I write this my attire says everything about this screwed up state I’m in, this feeling of darkness and chill that sticks with me into the next day. From bottom to top I am wearing green moccasins, red and black striped knee high socks, patterned pyjama bottoms, a red and pink and white striped shirt, a black hoodie, and my parka…yeah it’s cold. I hope that gives you an amusing mental image.
I don’t know what I would do if I actually knew many people in my neighborhood and they were the type with inclinations for surprise visits. No I don’t think I’ve ever had that sort of living arrangement. Home has always been very private, too private for my liking because it is lonely. Haha I remember one summer when an ex decided to “drive through town” and see me. It was already not the most invited “drop by” as I had not seen him since even before we ended things. That was done over the phone when I was living in Ottawa…I won’t go into the details but he came by and my younger brother answered the door. He knew that I would be very disturbed by this visitor and I recall trying to hide in the kitchen, which was quite useless given the very open layout of our home in Regina, while we negotiated the “why is he here?” “what should I do?” “I don’t understand” “you have to do something”. What made this surprise visit even more awkward was my state…I was not showered, wearing only a full body longjohn suit and making chocolates on a Friday morning in August.
Hmmm…me thinks that I am rambling. I’ll think about this tomorrow and wish I would have not written it but it’s cheap to delete. Lately I’ve been asking myself “why am I posting?? what is the point and am I benefiting anyone besides myself?” My hopes are that some answers will make themselves known through the posts given some time.