Archive for December, 2005
December 31, 2005 at 9:33 pm · Filed under Experiences
It’s symbolic. I’m at home with my family and I’m thinking that I should go for a jog at midnight. That would really mark the start of a productive year. Probably won’t happen. If I’m lucky I’ll be able to muster up the energy to meet some friends who are partying just a few blocks away. Yes I’m that lazy with good reason though.
I had my real celebrations last night when we tried to take back the Owl and drink it dry. It was such a good time and the only thing I regret is eating that Humpty’s vegetarian melt sandwich and curly fries at 3am. Oh god I don’t think my body is used to fries anymore. Surprisingly, I’m not hungover today so maybe there was something special in that vegetarian patty but let’s not think about that too much.
I’m personally a little scared of 2006…have a hunch it’s going to be a weird year. Good or bad weird I don’t know yet. Last year was about reflection and discovering. This year is about action and what will action lead to?
OK I need to get out of here. I’m somewhat tempted to ring in the new one playing WoW and that’s an omen of no productivity waiting to happen. Give yourself a kiss from me and have a good one.
December 28, 2005 at 9:51 am · Filed under The Jumping Box
You might recall that Doctor Who came back to tv last year. The newly regenerated doctor (Christopher Eccleston) replaced the last timelord (number 8 and Paul McGann in a 1996 television movie) but cut things short and it had to be written that he would die at the end of the season. This year the new new doctor is back - number 10 - David Tennant.
The premiere, The Christmas Invasion, was shown on CBC this past Monday. I was a little skeptical over the new doctor but they did a really good job of easing him in. The first part of the episode concentrated more on Rose, her mother Camille, and ex-boyfriend(?) Noel. Equally distracting from my uneasiness with Tennant was the strong anti-war message put into the show. I recommend watching the episode (if you don’t think you’ll commit to the whole season : P).
In the end I decided that I will like the 10th doctor, he’s actually kind of cute. It must be the confidence and enthusiasm he displays in his role. Much more enthusiasm than Eccleston had. I think the kicker for me was the outfit he chose in the end (he spends the majority of the episode in pjs and a bathrobe). Where Eccleston donned non-descript black clothes and a dark dirty looking leather jacket (I *think* they were trying to appeal to the new millennium?? but I *think* I am off leather), Tennant is much more dashing in his brown pinstripe suit and overcoat. Oh I hope he stays on for a while. They say the doctor only has 12 lives. I wonder if they will write in some issues with the doctor facing his eventual demise.
December 27, 2005 at 11:43 pm · Filed under Reflection
You know you wasted large portions of your day but you are in denial. So you stay up, up, up because that time is not wasted until it has passed.
I’m hoping I don’t waste my time tomorrow. Mind you I was in the back of a van for 3 hours. I slept and listened to my ipod, and slept and when I could sleep no more I took some pictures and some movies too. Listening to wolf parade, I felt artsy which also means I felt guilty…what right do I have to feel artsy? I always feel that way when I listen to wolf parade. Either that or I am plotting.
feelin’ grainy
Then someone broke out the juicy fruit and it snapped me out of it. Juicy fruit is a comfort smell for me. I want juicy fruit juice.
I was super emotional tonight. Add to that one of those mindblowing experiences where you really, honestly, completely, get a glimpse of the depth of minds around you. We know that we
all have our own opinions, thoughts, dreams, etc. but we are often wrapped up in our own stories and survival and a little blind to others. We think of others but we don’t
not think and just
know the presence of deep, full individuals in the bodies around us. (Ok so maybe I shouldn’t say “we” and speak for everyone but I know that “I” am often like this). Anyway, I had this one second where the complexities of the mental world appeared to me and I felt in awe and smiled but at the same time wanted to cry because it’s so overwhelming to think about being a part of that. Am I making sense? Don’t know if I am.
I’m allowed to make no sense in the next few weeks. Introspection is coming from an approaching birthday. I believe that the birthday can often mark how the following year will transpire. Last year, although I spent the evening with a loving boyfriend, I felt insanely alone and I was craving good friends from Regina. That craving never left and I spent the year thinking about how I could create similar bonds in Vancouver. A year later I am disappointed at how many times I have shied away from people. Still need to work on that.
But now I’m a little scared of my
new birthday. What will the day be like? What does this year have in store?
December 26, 2005 at 2:19 pm · Filed under Dreams, Reading
I’m not a boxing day person. Only once in my life did I spend the day at the mall. Boxing day is sleep day. I would like to crawl in a box and sleep and read and sleep some more. At my grandmother’s in Humboldt. Everyone here is drifting off, taking there time, slumbering, napping, dozing…it’s the Deutscher way.
So I am thankful that my dreams are starting to get interesting again. Last night I was at a pizza parlour and then suddenly we were up in a small plane flying over Vancouver. The pilot was insane though, and a coke dealer I think. He laughed madly and the plane started to descend. We thought we were going to crash. But he gracefully landed us on South Granville street and we ran away terrified. I was trying to catch a bus back home. I knew that I had to pack my bags for a trip to Belgium or Bulgaria or some other place starting with a “B”. I missed my flight of course and then woke up.
I think my dreams are being influenced by the book I am reading, “House of Leaves” (see side column). Quite amazing. It’s a maze of a book. I think the author is borrowing from film theory to “frame” his story. I don’t really know anything about film theory, but it’s what I’m guessing. Please go read this book. I need someone to talk to about it.
December 24, 2005 at 4:14 pm · Filed under Experiences
It was an eventful 24 hours, starting at the crack of dawn yesterday. I went with my mother and sister to the Beaver Creek Ranch for horseback riding lessons. This is Gus, the horse I rode in on.
We had to get the horses from their “pasture” (??) and bring them to a barn for grooming and saddling (yeah I might be making up a lot of words here so bear with me). My mother passed me a bucket of oats while she tied a rope around Gus. This very, very large horse becamesuddenly obsessed with me. It was scary because at that moment, with this huge brown horse head nudging my face, I realized the greatness of these creatures and how they could, if necessary, smother me into the ground. I passed the bucket of oats back to mom and, as you can see below, the horse gave up on me.
The lessons were great! Brenda taught us how to control your direction, how to get the horse to start, stop, back up, trot, and gallop (though I think it may have actually been called a “lop” which is slower than a gallop…point being that it’s when the horse has all 4 feet leaving the ground in one stride). The horses were pretty lazy (which is good for a beginner) and I only managed to have Gus gallop for five seconds or so. It’s ok, the trotting was enough to bruise my sit-bones and today I’m kind of walking funny. I think we will try to go again before I head back to Vancouver. I am excited : ) Tensor bandage panties on my Christmas list!
Last night Kim had her Tenth Annual Still Girls Only Potluck at Home Christmas Party. So much food, wine, laughter, and of course the obligatory Carly Simon singalong. God these girls are hilarious. They make my year.
Sex in the City charades until the early morning hours was quite amusing. I’ve decided that I must make a video collection of people acting out the word sex in charades. The various renditions are quite amusing and insightful.
Such an awesome time and I still can’t believe that I was able to get up this morning and go tobogganing. We drove out to Douglas Park hill with two toboggans, a crazy-carpet, and an old snowboard. It was a beautiful day, almost worrisome as the snow was melting away by the minute.
But it was all good. Icy grass moves you fast. Toboggans are so speedy!
I am so pooped now. We just finished Christmas Eve supper and will open presents soon (yes we are night-openers…impatient). I want to write more, but I’m sore, tired, and wondering why I am on my laptop when they are bringing out cookies upstairs. My pants still fit so obviously I have some work to do.
December 22, 2005 at 11:16 pm · Filed under Random Thoughts
I have all these draft posts on the go. They are the beginnings of various rants, then I wonder how much it really all matters and they are never published. I think I write them hoping that people in Regina will read them and understand why I might be quiet or lazy. But that’s like, publishing excuses for myself. I’ve been out of sorts lately (since November) and need to suck it up and live.
So something that’s not complaining or a rant - I went to Daryl’s place tonight and one of his co-workers came by with a girlfriend. I asked her what she does. “I work at McDonald’s.”
“Oh do you go to school to?”
“Nope. Just McDonald’s.”
I felt horrible because I had absolutely nothing to say. I just said “oh” and nodded. Hey, I did some time at Burger King, but I couldn’t even think to bring that up. There was nothing there.
It had me wondering how often I’ve done that to other people (left them with nothing to say to me).
Other things: horseback riding tomorrow, then party at Kim’s. Yeah!
December 21, 2005 at 1:36 am · Filed under Random Thoughts
…like to abuse ourselves? Ugh it’s gonna be rough tomorrow. Like last Thursday, and some of Friday. This time I’ve collected things to think about and analyze. *Ick*
Yet I wish it would keep on going. Maybe because I am dreading 7am?
Again, I am still a social brick. Give me a few days and maybe I will draw a picture of me, the social brick.
December 20, 2005 at 2:43 pm · Filed under Games
My younger brother has World of Warcraft on the computer here. He showed me how I could create my own character on his account. I did. I named her Nahgem because that’s my really imaginative fantasy character name. I played for 5 minutes when some other Night Elf came up to me and said “Wud’ up gurrl?” and then I got scared and quit.
This often happens to me when I start a new video game. One of the initial tasks or monsters intimidates me and my first reaction is to press Q and leave it for an afternoon or so. This time all it took was someone saying hello. It was weird to have this interaction - my response would be experienced by a real live human being! I was also frustrasted that I couldn’t have a “training period” where I could do my own thing away from other people. Is it maybe that I would like to play World of Warcraft but have a world all to myself? No not really. Besides the social nature of the game, their are survival benefits too (which are social in that really selfish way I guess).
After spending my day thinking, no I probably wouldn’t get into the game and that was a good thing, I crawled back to the computer last night. One more try. It was better, I was better, starting to get the hang of things. I played for an hour this morning. This time,I ended up dying in a cave surrounding by spiders. When you die in WoW, you wake up in a graveyard as a spirit and must retrieve your corpse to come back to life. I’ve tried this twice but everytime the spiders are there and they kill me again. I hate spiders.
So I’m taking this to be a sign that I shouldn’t get into WoW. It would be quite dangerous actually. (Even though I just thought of something that might get me out of the spider situation…)
December 18, 2005 at 10:32 am · Filed under Mostly Hilarious
I’ll try to do this Tony-style.
(1) My mother is getting used to the fact that I am not eating “land or sky meat”. She was making pork souvlaki the other night. “Can you eat these? There is pork in them.”
“No mom, remember it this way - I won’t eat anything with four legs and/or wings.”
(2) It’s noon, I’m in pyjamas, not showered and my hair is reaching for the ceiling. The doorbell rings. My recently showered and dressed older brother says: “Meghan can you get that? My hair is still wet.”
December 18, 2005 at 4:00 am · Filed under Reflection
Every evening something is new.
We ended up at a “Williamsburg party” (that could actually be Williams, or Williamson, or some other variant…can’t remember). Three floors, six apartments, doors open. I loved this building thus loved its dwellers with their choice of colourful walls. I wanted to meet the people at this party; they were all such colourful people.
At the same time, I was also failing at my goal to be a Halcoholic. It takes work to drink night after night and I just didn’t have the heart tonight. So I had car keys in my pocket meaning no turning back on my decision. I had to be concerned and conscious and awkward about everything. Losing inhibition can’t even put that aside in me, though it helps some.
Not tonight. Full on “what am I saying”, “should I say ‘hi’”, “what do I look like”, “where should I put my hands”, “did he smile should I smile back”, “why can’t I laugh at that”, etc. I have forgotten how to socialize. I didn’t know what to say to people. Didn’t even know how to look at people. What could I talk about? My thesis? The internet? Vancouver? I tried to ask questions – but sometimes finding the right questions is harder than finding the right answers.
I wish I could be smooth. I envy those who know what to say and when to say it and always hold the attention of others. I was lost, frozen, scared. Stupidly so – would these people eat me? No. So I only succeeded in creating the impression that I didn’t want to be there, didn’t have much to say, didn’t care, when it was so much the opposite.
Sometimes I wish that somebody would come along, crack open my shell and make a meg-omelet. I yearn to be dynamic with someone - to be creative, inspired, on fire. I dream about playing music, or dancing, or performing a play with this person. We would connect and then completely understand each other.
But if I wish and wish and wish but am the social brick I am I will never find those music, dancing, and/or theatrical scenarios. I can’t count on others to know that deep inside I am really calling out for engagement. Not when all I can do is watch, like a statue, a brick statue.
December 17, 2005 at 10:14 am · Filed under Experiences, Movies&Film
What I was going to continue saying below, but didn’t due to distractions, is something I cannot remember anymore. I do remember that after staying at Jemma’s the other night (because I started writing the last post last night and it is now Saturday morning) we came back to my place for afternoon breakfast and to watch Singing in the Rain. Now I may be more inspired to help her create her “Donald O’Corner” because he is quite amazing. Last week she told me to remember one thing - the Make ‘Em Laugh bit and it is a great scene, gets completely outta hand.
After the movie I went to Kim’s for supper, wine, and gingerbread cookie making.
Her mother (Norma) helped us as well with four hours of rolling, cutting, baking, and icing. Afterwards I was thinking, ok this is enough for me, as last year I did this form of cookie decorating twice. Though this morning my mind has started to change. I might make a small batch of sugar cookies but stick with the sock cutout. The sock cookies are key. Norma pointed out that I could make left or right - pairs.
Now what is in store for today? I thought that maybe I would be tempted to watch tv but that has not happened yet. Too many things to do, people that I want to see. Though it’s true that I do need some downtime - can’t get sick and I’m worried I might. Hmm…off to eat some fruits and vegetables (and cheese).
Oh yeah so I’m beginning to see this pattern. Whenever I’m overtired and/or hungover, I get these mad cravings for cheese. Particularly the paneer used in the cheese & peas dish from the curry place in unitown. Cottage or cream cheese does not cut it. Must be either paneer or a good cheddar or harvarti. I was dying for cheese all day Thursday and into Friday. Finally had some Friday afternoon and it was mana in meg.
December 17, 2005 at 9:47 am · Filed under Experiences, Travels
I made it. Now I am making it, time is flying by and there is so much to do. It’s a weird change of pace from pre-Thursday-in-Vancouver life. I actually didn’t touch a computer for about 24 hours there. Weird. I was thinking that maybe I wouldn’t write a lot while I am gone. I mean, shouldn’t I be focusing on the here-now-who is with me? Though if I don’t write, I will not remember. So I am trying to get it down, possibly close to point form, quickly before going onto what is next.
Jemma picked me up from the airport and we went to Thai Gardens for lunch. It is freakin’ cold in the city. In the restaurant I had to pee and I went to the washroom but for the life of me, couldn’t bring myself to pull my pants down it was that cold. My back tensed thinking about chilled porcelain. Came back to the table and told her I’d hold it in. It’s that cold that I’m going to ignore by body functions. Yummy food, then home to see family. We sat around the table and drank tea. Then I napped. I was stupidly tired yesterday so an hour nap had to be had to gain some conherence for the evening. Then LaBodega’s, then O’Hanlons. Of course… …where else?
The energy of these places was great. I met a batch of “new people” who have come into the scene since the last time I was in Regina. It’s funny because I’m no longer a familiar person here. I am the stranger, the guest and I can see people watching me as one. I’m trying to figure out how I can take advantage of that.
I stayed at Jemma’s last night - her new place is sweet - and I can’t wait to meet her new roommate.
Blog post ending abruptly as computer attention span has been nixed.
December 13, 2005 at 12:24 pm · Filed under Flashback
the setting:
Tuesday morning, 11:30 am
I am in the washroom applying mascara
The radio is on, tuned to CBC, playing music from post-war 40s era
I have a chickpea, green peas, and mushroom curry simmering on the stove
Incense is burning to mask the smell of fried shallots
The window is open and I hear the echo of cars driving by
what’s on my mind:
I am thinking about what I need to do once I get to the lab, I feel weird that I am not there. We have meetings at 1pm on Tuesdays so I’m normally there in the morning. The meeting was moved to 3pm. I’m thinking about my todo list, and about going to Regina. Thinking that I can’t completely remember what home is like, family home or having a family in a building. It has become foreign.
the trigger:
It suddenly smells like boiling hotdogs. The aromas of fried shallots, simmering curry, incense, and fresh air mingle together and in my head and it smells like boiling hotdogs. Possibly some kraft dinner cooking in there too.
the flashback:
I am in grade school. For some reason I am at home but it is not the weekend and I am not sick and it’s not the summer. Perhaps it’s during the Christmas holidays. One of those days during the holidays where it wouldn’t have made a difference if you got to stay home or had to go to school. An unremarkable day. Lunch is cooking and we will eat at precisely noon while we watch the Flintstones on CKCK-TV. I can smell the hotdogs and I am getting excited because soon I will have lunch and the Flintstones to watch.
the results:
I’m eating my curry with some tofu. Someone also happened to sneak some ketchup on my plate.
December 12, 2005 at 1:02 pm · Filed under Random Thoughts
Hey does anybody have old episodes of Ready or Not on tape? It’s ok…you can admit it, we’ll understand. I was just thinking that there are not enough pictures of Lani Billard on the Internet.
December 12, 2005 at 8:45 am · Filed under Mundane, Thinking
I will admit that I am a sensitive person but I don’t get angry very often. I used to when I was younger, especially at home, but then one day I realized that my home anger was related to my smoking and that time between each cigarette was a continuous build up of frustration until I had my next fix. That alone is enough to help me avoid getting in the habit ever again. Does anybody actually quit because they fear cancer? (Assuming they don’t already have it) No, people like to toy with their mortality too much.
So I don’t get angry very often and when I am upset, the first thing I consider is who I might be blaming for the problem. I believe that to be our first reaction when we are angry - “who can I blame?” - and often it’s simply our own problem but we don’t want to admit that. That would mean that if something is to be done about it, we would have to do it alone. After thinking about who I am blaming I try to disassociate the problem from that person and figure out what I can do.
The one place where all this rationalizing breaks down is in the shower. This is the cubicle for my most intense thinking. Thinking that can’t bother to be dulled by my mundane practices as I slip into non-shower life. It is amplified beyond how I might normally ponder given some situation. It can be irrational and it’s from that irrationality that ideas and solutions are generated. But when I get *irked* in the shower, oh boy…and what can make me angry in the shower? Cold water.
When the water starts getting cold I start dreaming up these conspiracies. I imagine intricate pipe systems whereby the other tenants can redirect the flow of hot water to their washrooms. I believe that they all had a premeditated bout of malignity and, upon hearing the sound of my water running, simultaneously turned their taps on. Sometimes I think that the landlord can distribute hot water in accordance to which of us he favours more. On a much higher level, sometimes I think that there are authorities who methodically control the population’s cold showers to create a balance between who starts off on the right or wrong feet everyday. Why they do this I have not figured out yet but I’m thinking…a few more cold showers and I might have an answer.
Eventually I’m finished washing and I seek refuge in a warm bathrobe and slippers. In that cocoon, I quickly forget about the conspiracies, the cruelness, and then I laugh at myself.
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