You know you wasted large portions of your day but you are in denial. So you stay up, up, up because that time is not wasted until it has passed.
I’m hoping I don’t waste my time tomorrow. Mind you I was in the back of a van for 3 hours. I slept and listened to my ipod, and slept and when I could sleep no more I took some pictures and some movies too. Listening to wolf parade, I felt artsy which also means I felt guilty…what right do I have to feel artsy? I always feel that way when I listen to wolf parade. Either that or I am plotting.
Then someone broke out the juicy fruit and it snapped me out of it. Juicy fruit is a comfort smell for me. I want juicy fruit juice.
I was super emotional tonight. Add to that one of those mindblowing experiences where you really, honestly, completely, get a glimpse of the depth of minds around you. We know that we all have our own opinions, thoughts, dreams, etc. but we are often wrapped up in our own stories and survival and a little blind to others. We think of others but we don’t not think and just know the presence of deep, full individuals in the bodies around us. (Ok so maybe I shouldn’t say “we” and speak for everyone but I know that “I” am often like this). Anyway, I had this one second where the complexities of the mental world appeared to me and I felt in awe and smiled but at the same time wanted to cry because it’s so overwhelming to think about being a part of that. Am I making sense? Don’t know if I am.
I’m allowed to make no sense in the next few weeks. Introspection is coming from an approaching birthday. I believe that the birthday can often mark how the following year will transpire. Last year, although I spent the evening with a loving boyfriend, I felt insanely alone and I was craving good friends from Regina. That craving never left and I spent the year thinking about how I could create similar bonds in Vancouver. A year later I am disappointed at how many times I have shied away from people. Still need to work on that.
But now I’m a little scared of my new birthday. What will the day be like? What does this year have in store?
