I’m in a really rank mood today. Trying so hard not to be but I feel like I ate a grump and washed it down with sweet self pity. If I were a man I would look unshaven today…maybe 5 days worth of stubble. But I’m a woman and I have no card to show like that. Maybe today would be a sweatpants day? Or a baseball cap day? Not for me. I refuse to wear sweatpants in public and a hat indoors feels inappropriate (damn you grade 1 to 8 conditioning).
I was about to start complaining about work, my resistance to doing this work (hence sitting here writing at the moment), my issues around asking people for help, etc. but I don’t think any of that complaining will actually help me get what I need done done. That and I know it’s all self brought on. A task overwhelms me, I think of all the impossibilities possible and then they become my reality because I am smart like that. So smart that I can fabricate this seamless tale that even someone as smart as myself can’t distinguish the tale from reality. I trick myself into thinking a task is impossible and it’s only with an external push or luck or a bout of self realization that I am able to remove myself from this discouragement and get ‘er done.
That being said, I guess today I do feel somewhat powerful because I know how I might try to trick myself, discourage myself. I can catch that and remind myself that I am the only one making the reasons. I am being practical but practical is not getting the job done. So I should go do it no matter what the limitations may seem to be.
Still, I’m in a little bit of a bad mood - when you start seeing through a part of yourself, it doesn’t mean that part will necessarily shut up. My logic tires me.