From Saturday night insomnia:
This is the most frustrating I am so tired but I cannot sleep night. To many grape gummies gone to me head. That and Tetris which fools me into thinking it will lull me to sleep and now I have gummy tetris shapes floating behind my eyelids.
I also feel like I am fighting a frustration but what it is I have not totally put my finger on yet. I think it has something to do with growing up. I think that my experiences here have grown into new realizations (whether real or ones I make up) and an old part of me is really really fighting to not fully realize them. They are in that category of somewhat negative things about the way you act but not the negative things that you are used to calling yourself on. Not the “oh yeah, I procrastinate”, “I can be a bit stubborn”, etc. They are those things that you do without an inkling of knowing you do them – but it is likely that they get rubbed off onto people you interact with, whether they know it or not.
In this past week, I’ve had a number of “ohhh” moments but when I try to conclude them my mind goes back to the regular hang-ups I have about myself which are mostly things that I made up for protection from the real scary things in life. It’s like I have this list of faults that I love to remind myself of but really I have grown used to them and they only help me avoid “real faults”. In fact I think some items on that list are completely not who I am but I keep them so that when I do something that would be “overcoming the fault”, I can be all proud of myself.
I am left in this really weird state because on the one hand, I have these realizations creeping in and I want to confront them. I want to know where I am not being true to either myself or other people. It is a little embarrassing when you remember those repressed moments where you were totally not acting with integrity and it’s likely that someone saw through you. On the other hand, my auto faults are loading and I am trying to see past them. This is also hard and confusing yet at the same time, really really freeing because for many of them, I can simply remind myself “oh yeah, I made that up” and then that’s it.
I don’t know if any of the above made sense because I’m trying to summarize without example or detail. Specific examples generalize too much and I don’t want to generalize…but to give it some context, I will say that the two main areas of “the way I am” that I am dealing with are: 1. how much I think about myself and want others to think about me (=96% of the time) and 2. how much of my restlessness and complaining about the lack of parties and adventures in my life is due to the perpetual pursuit of comfort. So in case two, my thinking path is often “I really want to do something crazy”, “I need to find someone to do something crazy with”, “I need to know more people”, “why don’t I know more people?”, “is it because I live in this neighborhood and not that”, “no, I think it is because I am not wearing the right clothes”, “but no, people are not that shallow, it must be that I am not attractive enough”. Seriously folks, as well as sadly, that is often it. Really, I should consider that my day to day decisions are all based on me being a) safe, b) warm, c) looking the best that I can, d) rewarded, e) entertained, and f) in a well formulated state of physical and mental comfort. (f) is a whole other thing that I could get into but I won’t right now. It could involved equations and I can’t do equations after 11:30 pm.