This weekend is a long weekend and I just found out last night. I made no plans for the long weekend…must have been fate as this will be opportunity for me to get to that thesis. I have been telling everyone that I will work on my thesis so that if I wake up on Monday morning (the holiday) and I have no motivation to blow the dust off those notes, I will get motivation thinking of the people who might be disappointed in me if I don’t do it. But who will be disappointed in me and can I rely on that for my achievements anymore? I pushed through my childhood and adolescent years using fear of authorities as a motivator. There was resistance to my fear…I wanted to act up, get in trouble. Smoking was probably a product of that resistance, a “no I am not going to do things the way people expect me to do them”, but I likely quit smoking because I hated feeling ashamed about it. It wasn’t the 10$ price tag, it was me wanting to give my mother more reason to be proud of me.
later…
Wow…actually…that was almost going to tumble into a hole of self pity and loneliness cause my day started off good but then went a little downhill. But then I got distracted with work (haha) and had a brain POP. I’ve been working on a project and the root idea really inspires me but my implementation of it felt weak. For the past two weeks my todo list has included further brainstorming on the concepts surrounding the basic idea but I had not quite gotten to that yet. Everytime I went to think about it, my mind sort of stopped. I tried some free writing exercises. I tried some drawing. I tried thinking about it before bedtime in hopes that dreams would reveal something about the scenario but alas last night I only dreamt about being at a party where people were topping their beer off with canned whippedcream. It tasted very good. Then just…15 minutes ago (because I took a trip to the basement store for a bottle of celebratory juice) I was moping over a piece of blank piece of paper and literally had tears in my eyes because I thought I might be a failure (you can see where the above was possibly about to go) and then *POP* an idea errupted and landed on the paper. It changed my mood instantly. The mind is such a weird thing.