Archive for March, 2007
March 30, 2007 at 6:48 pm · Filed under One tear wipe
Monday Tuesday I stare at Powerpoint and chew on thick anxiety that I hope turns into intelligent phrases come Wednesday’s presentation.
Wednesday I present “what I did in a year” and am left in a “what did I do?” state but people ask questions and give advice and an hour later I am still engaged in discussion about the subject. My design may have flaws, my goals and framework may be shaky, my application might be impractical, but it made people imagine and that is what I am going to take away from this. My success exists in being able to propose engaging ideas.
Still Wednesday I am left with…I don’t know. Without words. It is not my mouth that is tired, not my body, not my brain (okay my brain a bit) but…maybe I am not tired. I just…I just want to wade around in a small lake hidden by green lushness of some sort on a thirty degree day.
Wednesday we have a project group end of year party and farewells are said.
Thursday my group end of year party and a farewell to my supervisor. Audience switch – because you might read this: thank you again so much for bringing me here, for all the work you did and help you gave, for your advice, conversation, and friendship.
Today is Friday and my last day here. In the morning I go to the Immigration Office to handle some business and as they hand me my passport I think – crap I am leaving Japan! But I am coming back. Why do I feel like things are so intense? It’s like I am living with these ghost feelings from myself back in October and that self only knows life where she leaves Japan forever in March.
After lunch we all go outside of the building to see the cherry blossoms. Spring is here. The air is warm, sweet and the breeze cool. I sit on the ground during the group picture. Two of my coworkers point out the various mini-things in the grass scaled world. We watch a brown worm with shiny red ends quickly squirm its way along. That worm sings a tune for me. It is spring and we have to stretch out our winter crippled limbs and do…something.
Tomorrow I will have a Japanese lesson and then I will pack.
Sunday I will clean and wait for my baggage to be picked up. Then, maybe I will go wander around somewhere but I am not sure yet. I don’t know if I want to be around people or not.
I feel kind of speechless. I feel like the only thing that could come out with honesty right now is laughter and tears. Everything else is strained and forced.
And I don’t really know why. Maybe I don’t want to know why. I could accept these emotions for what they are and not try to find where they came from and where they are going. This is a feeling that one could enjoy. The one where you become aware of the presence of your heart in your chest like it’s another person who has been watching your dreams over your shoulder the whole time.
March 27, 2007 at 12:41 pm · Filed under Thinking
The feet again. Because I have been thinking a lot about where I am going. On Monday it will be back to Vancouver for 3 weeks. I can buy new shoes. The ones in this picture were bought right before coming to Japan. Both have toe area holes and an elastic in one has snapped so lately they have stayed at home but I don’t think I will throw them out. They were (are) my Japan shoes.
I came here a year ago today (if I remember correctly). It is a little scary. I am happy about the ways I have grown and what I have learned but I have also realized about 30% of my adultness to bring me to a current total of about 55%. All rough calculations of course. Based on an average number of sighs in response to things people younger than me do per week.
Then there are ways in which I have not changed and vicious circles I still walk. They’ve been heavily on the mind in these past months. Sometimes I have felt like I might explode. And maybe I thought that by thinking about it, and analyzing what I do – I can find a solution and change myself and make it better.
On the other hand. Maybe there is no real problem besides me declaring problems.
Today I am baffled by what the mind can up.
March 26, 2007 at 6:20 pm · Filed under Experiences, Music
For 30 seconds my microphone wielding hand shook uncontrollably but that was just me doing my Janis Joplin going through withdrawal impression. High tension. The word that I learnt this weekend was “kincho” (緊張) – tension.
After “Move Over” I felt better and I actually had a little fun. No – it was a lot of fun. Moments where I could break through nervousness to be a little expressive. Yuuki-chan sang the fifth song and I didn’t get around to learning the chorus part. During practice the day before I sat there listening and useless. Will I do this on stage too? But the song – it made me want to run somewhere, do something crazy. So I decided I would throw candy out to the audience while she sang.
Besides providing sweetness to people’s mouth (side note: “sweet sunday lather” was the live show’s name), the candy giving totally helped me get over a lot of my kincho. Often the cause is performing in front of people who stand or sit with no reaction (possibly because they are afraid of dancing, expressing, performing). Attempting or forcing (who’s gonna say no to candy??) a reaction from people helps me find out what they are feeling so that I can learn from/adjust to/feed off of that.
March 22, 2007 at 1:43 pm · Filed under Dreams
How does one manage to get anything accomplished when day after day you learn more and the work of yesterday seems juvenile and unfounded. This is why I have these reoccurring dreams where I am trying to get somewhere but anytime I try to button my jacket up, I am always one button off. Usually the only way to proceed is to go out jacketless. A similar thing happens with pants but that is more about my fear of being abandoned then it is about my ability to maintain confidence in my ideas and thoughts. But I guess…I guess I could go out with my jacket buttoned in a one-button-off style and just get the work done.
March 21, 2007 at 3:35 pm · Filed under Dreams
It is this kind of picture that will make me miss Japan when I go.
Last night I dreamt that I was on Elm Street as in Nightmare on Elm Street but it wasn’t quite the suburban street it is in the movies. More a small beachside condo area with fog and white sand. There wasn’t too much Freddy either. At one point the dream atmosphere got a little scary and there was some dude in a red and black striped shirt riding a huge tractor along the beach but then the tractor fell over and all I could see was one stripped arm sticking out from underneath. I think it was an Elm Street, the Simpsons, the Wizard of Oz mix with a hint of Point Break.
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