Monday Tuesday I stare at Powerpoint and chew on thick anxiety that I hope turns into intelligent phrases come Wednesday’s presentation.
Wednesday I present “what I did in a year” and am left in a “what did I do?” state but people ask questions and give advice and an hour later I am still engaged in discussion about the subject. My design may have flaws, my goals and framework may be shaky, my application might be impractical, but it made people imagine and that is what I am going to take away from this. My success exists in being able to propose engaging ideas.
Still Wednesday I am left with…I don’t know. Without words. It is not my mouth that is tired, not my body, not my brain (okay my brain a bit) but…maybe I am not tired. I just…I just want to wade around in a small lake hidden by green lushness of some sort on a thirty degree day.
Wednesday we have a project group end of year party and farewells are said.
Thursday my group end of year party and a farewell to my supervisor. Audience switch - because you might read this: thank you again so much for bringing me here, for all the work you did and help you gave, for your advice, conversation, and friendship.
Today is Friday and my last day here. In the morning I go to the Immigration Office to handle some business and as they hand me my passport I think - crap I am leaving Japan! But I am coming back. Why do I feel like things are so intense? It’s like I am living with these ghost feelings from myself back in October and that self only knows life where she leaves Japan forever in March.
After lunch we all go outside of the building to see the cherry blossoms. Spring is here. The air is warm, sweet and the breeze cool. I sit on the ground during the group picture. Two of my coworkers point out the various mini-things in the grass scaled world. We watch a brown worm with shiny red ends quickly squirm its way along. That worm sings a tune for me. It is spring and we have to stretch out our winter crippled limbs and do…something.
Tomorrow I will have a Japanese lesson and then I will pack.
Sunday I will clean and wait for my baggage to be picked up. Then, maybe I will go wander around somewhere but I am not sure yet. I don’t know if I want to be around people or not.
I feel kind of speechless. I feel like the only thing that could come out with honesty right now is laughter and tears. Everything else is strained and forced.
And I don’t really know why. Maybe I don’t want to know why. I could accept these emotions for what they are and not try to find where they came from and where they are going. This is a feeling that one could enjoy. The one where you become aware of the presence of your heart in your chest like it’s another person who has been watching your dreams over your shoulder the whole time.
