To start off - I am sort of in a foul mood at the moment. That’s a warning. You might choose to move on. I woke up this morning with a knot in my neck. It aches and it sends pains into my shoulder, arm, down my back, and into my head. I tried aspirin but nothing, still in pain. I want to give up, go home - do nothing.
On top of that, it is really quiet at work. I have not had (and imagine I will not) any work related interactions today. It makes me feel - why am I here? Would there be a difference in me here and me not here? Of course the truth is I am here because I have a lot to do in the next 3 weeks. I should really go do it.
But how to rid myself of this foul mood? Or this pain? Would it help if I could complain to a real person not just a text editor. Maybe…they could give me a massage. A computer can’t do that. Not even the ones in the massage chairs in the basement. They just poke and squeeze and it would be quite uncomfortable given the intensity of this knot.
Hmm…I just did a little bit of work. Maybe writing helps. Maybe I don’t even need to post this and I can keep my site 99% happy. But that wouldn’t be logging would it.
So while we are logging - I am also feeling lonely. I almost erased that because I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want the response “oh yes, living in a foreign country…” because this is your general run-of-the-mill alone that I have felt in various cities with varying quantities of people around me so that physically, I am actually not that alone.
The fact that I am still thinking about deleting all this and replacing it with something about buying muji socks tonight to make myself feel better points to a main root of this troublesome emotion. All too often I accept it. There are relationships and interactions that I would like to have with people but if it is someone I don’t know well, the effort I put towards making those interactions happen is inversely proportional to the amount I want them to happen. Because I am scared and think I will be a burden on those people. And even though I can remember - “but they are people too and they want attention too”, the decision making part of me replies “but possibly not from you”.
I’m still skirting around my emotions, the above is a generalization of more specific thoughts and feelings. I am skirting around something that I can communicate about to only like, 3 people in this world - love. I want to say more but I just became pinned under a large boulder so I’m gonna stop now and chisel some actionscript into this rock while I wait for a rescue team. Hurrah!