I feel ready to go back to Canada. I will miss Japan greatly but I know that to continue on with things, with growing - I need to be back in Canada. I was a little caught up in matters of the heart. Still feeling waves of “what did I do?” “what should I have done?” and total confusion of emotions. But in the end…there is always a message in the end whether it is actually there or I make it up and the message of this seems to be that happiness is in moment by moment chances, not expectations fulfilled.
What I feel confused about - the desire to speak my emotions, to throw everything on the table and let all involved have a look, to be what I consider “open”. A generalization of the Japanese is that many things go unspoken. There are good things and bad things about this. People may bottle emotion, evade responsibility, not be able to share opinion. On the other hand, there is a certain gracefulness to silence; a lack of words puts more meaning into the events that do occur.
Right now I feel some sense of unsettledness because there are words I want to hear whether they are the words I want to hear or not. I also want to speak but amusingly to apologize for possibly speaking too much before. The thing is…there is probably not much good that can come from words other than being able to feed my ego. I might be just looking to hear that I am a beautiful person and will be insanely missed. I want to speak so that I can be assured that, to the best of my ability, I was honest and considerate. But maybe it is not entirely considerate as I am speaking to unload my own heart and I can’t know the consequences of my words on someone else’s. So for now I am trying to forget about writing an email to conclude with a last few apologies and thank you and goodbye. Trying to have faith in…something…without knowing what it is. Just that things are okay, I am okay, people are okay.
And with that, I’ve been in the process of leaving Japan quickly, without stopping to sigh over things I am leaving behind too much. I am going to believe that if I really truly miss it, I will have a chance again in the future.
