/section{meg}
Weird. I just had a dream that I was inside of my thesis. Trapped among 4 lines or so and trying to make a point of myself.
Archive for January, 2008
there’s a title but I’m not finding it
I was in the building of some establishment, cement floors, plastic and chrome chairs, gray, and I walked out onto a balcony. The balcony was set in the side of a mountain belonging to a ring of mountains. It overlooked a deep valley lush in dark green evergreens, filled with fog, and tiled with blue Japanese rooftops surrounding what looked like a castle from Germany. I saw a giant sloth-like creature hanging out on an electricity line running from one side of the mountain ring to another. The creature was mossy green in colour, feathery, had the head of a sloth, but its arms and legs were thick and cylindrical like an elephant’s. I went for my camera. It jumped off the line and…didn’t fly but sort of floated (?) to the side of a tower. It could move very fast. Then it jumped again and came towards the balcony. I was scared. It was right next to me and I couldn’t look and I didn’t know what to do. Then I felt a giant, wet tongue land on my face and with its friendly lick, I woke up.
I think it was encouraging me to be all ganbatte on the thesis. Which is going okay. It feels like it will never end but I know eventually it will. How will I end with it?
Before the valley, in my dream, I had been hanging out in an old gym / greasy diner used primarily by senior citizens. They loved me being there because I was young but I acted like them. All the old men had tiny gym bags and pale hand towels slung over their shoulders.
So today while waiting for a prescription at Shoppers I contemplated being 80 and did the blood pressure check. It was low - too low? I love the feeling of my arm being squeezed as the cuff inflates.
A while before that I was jogging in the forest. Tree branches were sagging under the weight of the snow, adding little obstacles to my course. The only other people out were dog walkers - another obstacle I love. I’m not being sarcastic either. They are fun, squirmy little black, white, and golden hurdles. Otherwise, it was snow-packed-ears quiet and that was great.
I can’t wait to be done.
Dear All,
The Masters exam for Ms. Meghan Deutscher has been scheduled for:
Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 1:30 p.m. in MCLD 418.
Meghan, be sure to have a copy of your thesis to each committee member and one copy on display in ECE Student Services no later than one week prior the exam.
a m i up
I woke up awfully early this morning. Was thinking about my thesis and couldn’t sleep anymore. I guess that’s how it works. So I made some coffee, worked for a while, and three hours later, was down again for a mid-morning nap. I had forgotten what the mid-morning nap feels like, it’s been a while. I feel very mixed about them. On one hand, there’s the weird buzz from sleep right after coffee and some guilt accompanied with sleeping later in the morning. On the other hand, you wake up and it’s still before noon. You’ve had a nap and you still have the whole day ahead of you. Not like those naps that transition you from dusky daytime to inky nighttime and you wonder why you’re even waking up again but still feel panicked about getting something accomplished before the next sleep.
Morning nap after coffee. I had weird dreams and dreams within my dreams.
I was browsing ancient photos on waffles and found a series of ones taken around Christmas time that I had “forgotten about”. I had a sense that the photos were from a dream (in my dream), and then I think I took a small step from the current dream, became a viewer rather than actor, and saw the pictures as artifacts from another dream that had entered this dream.
The photos: taken at a visit to a large “winter wonderland” studio space equipped with mounds of cotton snow, cardboard log cabins, a white-gray ice skating floor, glitter, soft lights, tangerine and baby blue backgrounds, and candy canes. You could pay to get dressed in costume, skate around the studio, and be recorded.
I watched a video in the collection. I gracefully skated from a cardboard log cabin in green tights and frock, a red handkerchief around my neck and a beaming smile on my face.
It was weird how much I felt like I had actually been there and done that.
But never. Though I was quite happy to see myself skating so well.
beach practice 2008
What a great day for a swim. This was the view outside when a sleepy me woke up this morning. A special day because it would be my first beach practice with the shitoryu seikokai karate club.
But snow?? It seemed like such freak weather. I knew it was going to be cold and ugly outside, but there was no forecast for snow! Luckily, it was only really snowing in neighborhoods at higher altitudes and when we arrived at English Bay (near downtown Vancouver), none of the white stuff was in sight. It was still a bit cold, and wet, but my excitement kept me going. That and raking the beach:
Unfortunately, I don’t have any pictures of the actual practice. My camera was safely tucked away while I got sandy. But some people will put photos somewhere and there will also be a blurb on CBC Vancouver news tonight between 23:00 and 23:15 (in case you happen to be in Vancouver and read this in the next three and a half hours).
We had an hour of practice starting with a short run up and down the beach, stretching, basic techniques, a brief bit of basic kumite and then kata practice. Then we ran down the beach a second time, this time further and onto the road. But I ran on the grass. The cement was like daggers in my icy bare feet. Did I cheat? The mud was so soothing…
The final highlight was after coming back from the run, lining up on the shore, doing charging punches into knee deep water, coming back out again, and then running in fully. I love being in water and despite the temperature, was itching for it so I went quickly. With all the adrenaline from running it didn’t feel that cold but of course, it was, and my heart started thumping overtime to tell me so. I was actually really scared for that first 10 seconds. Could I have a heart attack? I had forgotten about that whole shock reaction thing. Possibly on purpose so that this morning wouldn’t be something that I dreaded. But my body settled down quickly enough. We came out of the water and headed to public washrooms to change into warm clothes. They had given us much advice on what to bring beforehand so the whole wet, freezing, and sandy thing was manageable.
After changing, everyone headed over to Tanpopo on Denman for all-you-can-eat. I’m not normally a fan of the all-you-can-eat but this time…it was so satisfying.
Before today, our sensei told us that we do beach practice in January because it is a challenge that, if taken on and overcome, makes all the challenges of the coming year seem easy. You can greet them with enthusiasm.
The thing that has stuck with me since the practice: life has big limitations but you should take on challenges anyway. Even if the limitations (frozen fingers and feet) decrease your performance (kata means form?), you will still be successful.
I came home, napped, had a hot shower, and am still feeling a little rough but…well it’s time to get back to that thesis work and I don’t feel like my physical discomfort will stop me.
cookies offered taste the best
Hey this thing is on! Only two and a half hours or so after that last post, Hendrik offered me cookies!
Thank you!
“Hrrr hmm…” {lowers voice} “…did you hear? Meghan could use a new hairdryer.”
OK, that’s the end of my third person-ing for a while.
start the countdown
It is almost settled. My thesis defense date is almost set to be February 11th or 12th.
Holy crap. And I feel so utterly unprepared.
If I act like a robot in the next three weeks - it is because I am somewhat in panic mode.
Though in some ways I don’t feel panicked. I feel unprepared because I’ve never experienced what I’m preparing for and it’s really scary. There is a lot of work…but it doesn’t mean I can’t get the job done.
But please, if you can remember, in the next three weeks, please don’t ask me “how’s the thesis going?”. Things I prefer:
“Hey Meghan, do you want some cookies?”
“Have you seen some annoying advertisements lately?”
“How much do you ‘love’ CVS Meghan?” (This is if you want me to cry but I am willing to engage in this discussion if you are able to remind me about CVS’s good points.)
and “Hey, what’s your favorite colour today?”
In case you were thinking that I missed “how’s the job hunt going” on that list…I didn’t. I put out a few applications last week. I hope to get a few more out by the end of this week. But other than that, I need to focus on my thesis. If I am asked about the job hunt too much - I might have to start lying.
In December at a Christmas party someone popped the H’sTT question and I answered honestly. “So, so, but it’s taking so long. I have been making progress, but only bit by bit. It seems so hard”. A friend and fellow student hearing this laughed at me, “Meghan - you’re too honest! Most people would just say ‘yeah yeah it’s going great, no problems there!’”
It occurred to me that I could do that. It would feel like a lie but what about all those times someone asks “how are you?” and you respond “great!” despite the cold-shower-stubbed-toe-forgot-to-charge-the-ipod-morning.
I think I might stick with telling the truth. And I should talk about my cold showers more.
あめdeわたあめ
If you want to buy me something:
As blogged by Trends in Japan, the あめdeわたあめ or ame-de-watame or literally “cotton candy from candy” is an at home cotton candy maker using - your own, personal, choice candy! Feed it a hard candy, any flavour, and it melts it down and spins it into floss.
2 for evenness and 7 for luck?
A weekend beginning in new year celebration with the karate club. We went to Sakura, a Japanese restaurant in Richmond. The food felt closer to common izakaya fare in Japan when compared to the “fashionable” izakayas like Zakkushi and Kingyo. Although I really like those places, the food is still given enough twist to be different and foreign.
I ate the onigiri to the right and it was yummy, as was everything else and the sake.
Then I woke up the next day and I was a year older. What do I think about that?
As usual, conflicted over the extent that I should acknowledge it. But in the end, it will never not be acknowledge so I shouldn’t try to hide from self-reflection. This year’s theme was of course the need to finish school and find a job. Then there was the consideration that a year from now my life will be completely different. That brings up a mixture of: fear - what will it be?, urgency - I need to make it something, and excitement - there are so many possibilities.
This morning I had a dream where I returned to Japan to continue work at NTT. The office room was darker, people were busy. I sat down at my desk and it was somewhat cleaned up since the time I left. I wished that I was wearing new clothes. I tried to work but couldn’t find the motivation. It actually felt like I was going backwards.
I woke up knowing I have to move forward.
it’s been 2, 3 years here’s my stop
I guess one reason for writing is that it makes you take note of things that make each day different. Maybe only with the motivation to write about them but ultimately, the meaning lasts longer than the motivation.
My special event of yesterday:
On the way home from UBC at night I transferred to the number 7. Walking to the back of the bus I took a second glance at a woman sitting to the right and realized that I knew her. I continued on taking two steps further, then had second thoughts and turned back around to say hello.
I had worked with this woman at a coffee house in Regina for a short time. Then after I moved here I ran into her within the first few months. Her daughter was living here and she was visiting and I think, planning on moving to Vancouver. I continued to run into her in Vancouver, Regina, and flights in between.
I had forgotten about her after moving to Japan. I think I forgot about a lot of things. But then a few months ago, I was standing on Dunbar, waiting for the 25, and the 7 drove by. I was pretty sure that I saw her in the window.
Last night, I almost let it go. So that I could relax in my tiredness after karate practice, so that I could sit alone and have space around me to hold my drenched umbrella, so that I could eat my blackberry twizzlator in peace. (Is that the right spelling? I tried to Google twizzlator but with no results except now the word twizzler is nails on chalkboard.) But really, how could I when, here is a person that it seems I am meant to run into at all unexpected times.
We exchanged some life stories in the five minutes before my stop. Four blocks to go and I was scribbling my email address onto a notebook page so that maybe one day we can meet but not by accident.
I got off the bus and I felt really happy.
Maybe it is just coincidence that we always run into each other. Maybe there is a reason that I am yet to find out. Either way, it makes me happy to see this person and that was something I almost gave up because I was seeking my natural comforts. On the bus - being alone and having space.
It made me think about what we, what I give up just to be comfortable.
i didn’t explode!!!
I didn’t explode but what did I do?
- rushed to finish work before going home for the holidays
- got really sick on my final day in Vancouver and in fever flew home under a pile of airplane blankets and parka
- saw much missed family and friends
- drove to Humboldt, SK for a bitingly cold but beautiful white and shimmery day and a short night to see my grandmother
- finished my thesis draft
- ate some delicious meals made by my sister
- went to two CrossFit classes with Kim
- basked in excitement and anticipation of Kim’s upcoming wedding with the arrival of bridesmaid dresses and a wedding shower
- got a new pair of running shoes and the Nike + iPod Sport Kit to jog into the new year with (it’s been great and motivational to track my runs)
- came back to Vancouver before the new year and spent the eve on the couch
- to wake up the next morning and have a super productive day
- started karate practice again and I think my kata is getting a little better
- watched a lot of Buffy
- found a Book Off in Vancouver and felt like I was in Japan again
- bought a textbook in intermediate Japanese, 星の王子さま (the Little Prince), and Murakami’s first book, 風の歌を聴け (Hear the Wind Sing) to motivate a return to my Japanese studies
Among other things, this is what I am remembering for now.
Why have I not been writing? I don’t really know.
But I have some ideas. There is so much that I want to do, that I need to be doing now that when I come to this Box, I feel like I can’t justify the time to write something. I’m also in a period of transition; I’m trying to ground myself and days are flying by. All the little things that I might comment on here slip away as I rush to the next thought of how I must proceed.
How am I proceeding?
- This week I have finally started to really truly get my hands dirty in the job searching process.
- I am finishing up my work at UBC from last fall so that by next week I can concentrate 60% on thesis revisions
- The other 40% will go towards a conference submission due early February and applying for jobs
- Break time involves karate, studying Japanese, testing my cooking skills, trying to get out more than in the fall, and watching the final season of the Buffy series
And…I should probably be writing more. I will try. And taking pictures.
But for now, back to work.
