Archive for I am feeling...
April 27, 2008 at 10:39 pm · Filed under I am feeling..., Work
The end of life as a student is drawing near. There was that end back then but this is the real end. I start my new job as a Usability Analyst this Thursday. I’m a little scared. I guess it makes sense given that I’ve had student status for the past 23 years. I’m scared but I really really need to move on. I need that dental plan.
Hmm…I’ve been thinking about here. This site, this box. The past few months have been weird. Things are changing but they have not changed yet. I think my life has been holding its breath and when I think about writing part of me is wide-eyed shaking my head “no we have to keep on holding out breath!!” I’ve thought about shutting down, hiding away, closing the box. But I can’t completely because there might be that one day a month I have a picture to share.
I don’t know. I’m confused now? I am and I will leave it at that.
Though PS I’ve taken away commenting on posts. There was so much spam and it was tiring. If you have a comment, you probably know or can find my email address.
PPS I am reading the best book ever thanks to Andrew and then Eric.
December 13, 2007 at 7:19 pm · Filed under I am feeling...
My day has been a series of technical problems unrelated to my actual problem at hand but large enough that I feel like I have accomplished nothing among my list of things to do.
My laptop is running slowly and it seems to make my mind run slower too.
I had a job interview over the phone last week which I think I bombed when it came to the abstract logic and algorithmic problems. It reminded me of my days in the “gifted program” when we did “stories with a hole” problems. Me, never solving one, wondered why I was there. I think I eventually dropped out. I’m a gifted school drop-out.
I am stressed about finding work this winter.
I am stressed about finishing my thesis.
I am stressed that the work I have done this past fall is not really a contribution to any of the bigger picture.
I need a hug. I know I am lucky to have people cheering me on. But right now they are either far away or close but I can’t afford the time to see them.
Christmas is coming and it is motivating me to move along because soon I will see my family and close friends in Regina. But sometimes I worry that once I’m in that light at the end of the tunnel, I’ll still be blinded by all the things I feel I need to do.
I want to be uber-productive right now but I’m so wound up that it’s just working backwards.
What’s the best choice from here?
a) try try try you’ll get by
b) let yourself not do programming / thesis work for the rest of the night to start fresh in the morning
c) talk to someone - (about what?)
I’m going to karate. It might help me de-stress or someone might hit me the wrong way and the string will snap and tears will come (mine).
Then I have to prepare for a Christmas party I’m hosting tomorrow night. It is stressful as time is short but at least the work is well-defined cleaning, shopping, baking, and cooking activities that I know I can do and enjoy. Well….except the cleaning part.
Explode!
November 15, 2007 at 7:30 pm · Filed under I am feeling..., Thinking
Last night I got a sliver in my foot. Tweezers, nail clippers, and a file were no help so I hit the sack - maybe it would work its way out by morning. I moisturized my feet before sleeping, in the event that someone would have to help me remove a still-there-sliver, because I know sandpaper is not the greatest texture, and I moisturized in the morning before my jog.
The jog was hard. My body was not feeling with it. I remembered my old dog Robyn and how she would only go for walks with my mother. If anyone else tried to take her that person would get 20 feet from the house and then Robyn would stop, sit, and go no further. That’s what my legs felt like and I think that in some way, it had to do with the sliver. I was not in much pain, only some discomfort, but mentally all my energy was being poured in a thin stream focusing on that one point at the bottom of my foot.
I made it back and felt happy that although it was a sluggish jog, at least I got out there. I went into the bathroom, undressed, turned on the water, and stepped one still kind of moisturized foot into the tub then SLIP! That foot and the foot outside the tub both slid and I crashed down, knocking over bottles of shampoo and conditioner, catching my self with the heel of one hand, my left rib cage, and the left side of my face.
I got up and took a deep breath. Then I cried. Not for a long time but just, a 5 second cry to release a little ball of emotion that had been shaken up. I thought, I don’t want to hurt anything. If I injured myself and couldn’t run and couldn’t practice karate - what would make me happy? It was such a scary thought and then I was further shocked by the realization of how much these things mattered to me. It’s a good thing, to have something in your life that you hold dear, but there was another half to that realization - that I haven’t felt very strongly about things dear to me in a long time. At least not explicitly, openly, in a way that I am actually living it. To protect myself? Yes…probably. If nothing is dear than you can handle losing it. But…those are some murky, gray waters to swim in. Not so much swim, maybe float, face up to avoid facing what you have gotten yourself into.
How will this experience change? What is my “for now on I shall always do/be _______”? I don’t know yet. It could be a lesson that started with a sliver or it could be karma for the 25 cent chocolate I “bought” at the Dan-d-Pak Mart but on looking at my receipt later in the evening, had not been charged for it. Should I go back and give them the 25 cents and (probably I should) what do I tell them? “Don’t worry, it gave me a sliver.”
October 31, 2007 at 1:46 am · Filed under I am feeling...
I was in a weird mood today. Almost a little bad. Resorted to a nap.
Maybe I am wondering too much - in what way should I be happy? I am capable of being happy but, where should the happiness come from?
You can lose a root of happiness but then find it in something else. We are good at doing that. But when are the times that you shouldn’t be giving up on something that seems lost. When should you let it go?
Happiness is not in substances except for tonight when the lighting at Richard’s made my beer a great opaque blue/green colour. I felt like I was drinking emerald juice. I think it must have been good for my body - the minerals and such.
Happiness is wearing all plaid?
September 19, 2007 at 6:59 am · Filed under I am feeling..., Movies&Film
It seems as though everyone else is asleep but me. I tried. I even put an eye mask on; one that I acquired from someone who flew to Japan in business class and was willing to give up the “comfort kit” they gave out. I’m also wearing the thyme-scented socks, I brushed my teeth with the soft brush covered in paste from a wee tube, used the aromatherapy facial mist and the lip balm. I feel very upgraded. But still I can’t sleep.
Air flight movies:
fantastic four: eh. the silver surfer is cool but not having watched a lot of movies in the past year and a half I have little tolerance for the predictable let’s get emotional / excited parts. I just wanted to learn more about the silver surfer.
the messengers: came to this channel as the end credits were finishing and the first thing I saw was “thank you to the city of Regina”. I got excited because I thought I could watch the movie thinking “I know that” “I’ve seen that” “I’ve been there” but like many movies filmed in Saskatchewan it doesn’t actually take place in Saskatchewan but one of those northern states with fields.
Yeah I don’t really know how to review movies. If I tried to hard I might give it away so I’ll talk about myself more.
While trying to fall asleep my mind was running through a hodgepodge of images suitable for my current state: flying 34000 feet in the air halfway between two countries of which neither are quite home at the moment. Starbucks prepared me for this. I met with my friends in the airport Starbucks before my flight. They were advertising a new drink - blackberry matcha frappucino. If Vancouver and Japan had a love child and that baby had a flavour it would be blackberry matcha. But would it be an ugly baby? I tried and you know what - it works. Well it worked until I knocked the drink over. No spillage but in the excitement the whip cream tried to protect the blackberry sauce into the safety zone of the plastic dome lid. I tried to salvage some of the blackberry sauce to continue savouring the delicious combination but any more effort would have resulted in great distraction from conversation so I had to let it go. Also fitting because I am again confronted with a new chapter and possibly new living habits. Of the things that developed in me while in Japan what will be brought back to Vancouver?
Oh yeah the images in my head. I have no clue what will happen in the next six months, year and it is scary. In March of 2006 I had no clue what would happen in the next year but that was different. It was going to be foreign and that’s what it was all about - not having a clue. But this time…it is like I am opening a book I already read and loved but forgot. I am excited and parts of it are coming back to me. But actually I had borrowed the book from the library and they’ve already left a few overdue notices on my voice mail. I continue to read the book with uncertainty over whether or not I will be able to afford the late fees.
September 19, 2007 at 4:26 am · Filed under I am feeling...
I feel ready to go back to Canada. I will miss Japan greatly but I know that to continue on with things, with growing - I need to be back in Canada. I was a little caught up in matters of the heart. Still feeling waves of “what did I do?” “what should I have done?” and total confusion of emotions. But in the end…there is always a message in the end whether it is actually there or I make it up and the message of this seems to be that happiness is in moment by moment chances, not expectations fulfilled.
What I feel confused about - the desire to speak my emotions, to throw everything on the table and let all involved have a look, to be what I consider “open”. A generalization of the Japanese is that many things go unspoken. There are good things and bad things about this. People may bottle emotion, evade responsibility, not be able to share opinion. On the other hand, there is a certain gracefulness to silence; a lack of words puts more meaning into the events that do occur.
Right now I feel some sense of unsettledness because there are words I want to hear whether they are the words I want to hear or not. I also want to speak but amusingly to apologize for possibly speaking too much before. The thing is…there is probably not much good that can come from words other than being able to feed my ego. I might be just looking to hear that I am a beautiful person and will be insanely missed. I want to speak so that I can be assured that, to the best of my ability, I was honest and considerate. But maybe it is not entirely considerate as I am speaking to unload my own heart and I can’t know the consequences of my words on someone else’s. So for now I am trying to forget about writing an email to conclude with a last few apologies and thank you and goodbye. Trying to have faith in…something…without knowing what it is. Just that things are okay, I am okay, people are okay.
And with that, I’ve been in the process of leaving Japan quickly, without stopping to sigh over things I am leaving behind too much. I am going to believe that if I really truly miss it, I will have a chance again in the future.
September 14, 2007 at 12:04 am · Filed under I am feeling..., Work
明日は本当に最後だ．lawsonsで納豆をみて、箱に09.18.07が書いてある．この日にカナダへかえる．その後生活はどうか考えてる．日本人や日本料理や日本語がなくてさみしい．「さよなら」言いたくないよ．そのまま出て、それからいつかもう一回戻ってもいいと思う．でも明日仕事で何と言えばいい？どの表現をすればいい？
August 18, 2007 at 10:58 pm · Filed under Games, I am feeling..., Spend spend spend!
We needed games to play on our trip so before heading to shibu onsen I hit the store that has everything you need to be cool and impress your friends and found this groovy novelty jenga. “Gum avalanche” it is called and the blocks mimic packs of Lotte brand gum - Black Black, Cool Mint, and Green Gum.
Now that I have you here, I can go off about mundane things. Like my 薬 (kusuri) (medicine) buying experience tonight. On the way home from the trip, this was last Monday, I was sitting on the train, did two stretches and then something in my upper back snapped. The next morning I couldn’t lift myself from bed. Had to steamroll my body over the edge and stand up using the bed to support me. That was a hard day at work. It was getting gradually better over the week and then on Friday morning, I couldn’t get out of bed again. The pain woke me up this morning as well but for most of the day it has been okay…possibly because I have not spent too much time at a computer.
Anyway - oh…sorry…actually I didn’t intend to write six sentences on my pain. I’m going to be horrible when I’m 80. Like, posting form shots of my hunch back so you can feel how crooked I have become on your solids display.
I went to the drug counter and explained my problem and the woman recommended some medicine. I was suspicious though. It was not medicine from behind the counter and the packages surrounding it were labeled with many As and Bs and Cs and Es. Was she trying to sell me vitamins? 1750円 vitamins? Yes.
I told her I wanted something stronger. In my head I was thinking that I wanted knock-me-out medicine that I could take tonight and wake up twelve hours later with a drool stain on my pillow from which I could forecast what they will serve in the cafeteria on Monday. She recommended that I go to the hospital but I wasn’t going to buy that cause I could see shelves of possible relief behind that counter. I told her that I would like to try medicine now and if I still felt pain in a few days, I would go to the hospital. There was some more discussion and hesitancy to go for things behind the counter but then she finally realized I wanted something strong and now and she asked me if my stomach was good. Yes, it is. The hesitancy to sell stronger medicine, even when stocked, is interesting.
I walked out with a pack of Ringl. Just took one of the little turquoise capsules and thinking about how unsatisfying vitamins would be right now. Which is funny because it is not even about effectiveness - it is satisfaction. Like I need a box with warnings and an ingredient list with many words I don’t know. It is unknown territory, mystical, and I feel more satisfied because to make my pain go away, it must take magic.
August 3, 2007 at 4:29 pm · Filed under I am feeling...
To start off - I am sort of in a foul mood at the moment. That’s a warning. You might choose to move on. I woke up this morning with a knot in my neck. It aches and it sends pains into my shoulder, arm, down my back, and into my head. I tried aspirin but nothing, still in pain. I want to give up, go home - do nothing.
On top of that, it is really quiet at work. I have not had (and imagine I will not) any work related interactions today. It makes me feel - why am I here? Would there be a difference in me here and me not here? Of course the truth is I am here because I have a lot to do in the next 3 weeks. I should really go do it.
But how to rid myself of this foul mood? Or this pain? Would it help if I could complain to a real person not just a text editor. Maybe…they could give me a massage. A computer can’t do that. Not even the ones in the massage chairs in the basement. They just poke and squeeze and it would be quite uncomfortable given the intensity of this knot.
Hmm…I just did a little bit of work. Maybe writing helps. Maybe I don’t even need to post this and I can keep my site 99% happy. But that wouldn’t be logging would it.
So while we are logging - I am also feeling lonely. I almost erased that because I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want the response “oh yes, living in a foreign country…” because this is your general run-of-the-mill alone that I have felt in various cities with varying quantities of people around me so that physically, I am actually not that alone.
The fact that I am still thinking about deleting all this and replacing it with something about buying muji socks tonight to make myself feel better points to a main root of this troublesome emotion. All too often I accept it. There are relationships and interactions that I would like to have with people but if it is someone I don’t know well, the effort I put towards making those interactions happen is inversely proportional to the amount I want them to happen. Because I am scared and think I will be a burden on those people. And even though I can remember - “but they are people too and they want attention too”, the decision making part of me replies “but possibly not from you”.
I’m still skirting around my emotions, the above is a generalization of more specific thoughts and feelings. I am skirting around something that I can communicate about to only like, 3 people in this world - love. I want to say more but I just became pinned under a large boulder so I’m gonna stop now and chisel some actionscript into this rock while I wait for a rescue team. Hurrah!
July 13, 2007 at 11:37 am · Filed under Experiences, I am feeling..., Japan
This morning I experienced a bit of the stereotypical “avoidance of speaking up” that people talk about when talking about Japan. Notice that I am skirting around actually saying “Japan is like this and today was an example”. I’ve had many experiences that go against the stereotype and I don’t want to give people such a one dimensional impression.
But - this was interesting. I took the bus to work, the same one I usually take and usually 4-8 other people who work in my building take it too. Every day the bus stops in front of our building regardless of whether someone presses the button to request the stop. My building is one of those kinds stops. Today the bus driver must have been new. We drove up to the building and then slowly past the building and then…turn…and then someone pressed the button but the driver kept going because the stop requested (according to the automatic announcement) was the one after our building. I almost said something but then stopped - wait, how do I say that in Japanese? All I know is “tomare” (stop!!) and the tone of that would have been a little spazzy.
We kept on going and no one else said anything. Knowing that the next stop was a little ways away and the way back was uphill I felt it would be kind of ridiculous to all keep quiet and politely get off at the next stop. I walked to the front and asked the driver “sumimasen ga…taitei…NTT tsushin kenkyu-jo…minna koko ni…” (excuse me but…usually….NTT research lab…everyone there…) and he understood right away, stopped the bus and let us off. While I was talking another man had followed me to the front, followed by two other women. So I saved everybody’s morning.
No just kidding but really…why didn’t anyone say anything? I didn’t because of a language issue but also maybe because my first feeling was “eh…I’ll just walk…saying something is so much effort”. Did other people feel that? Or were they struggling, wanting to say something but just not being able to speak up?
I guess this story is important to me on another level. I’ve been a little frustrated lately with how much (and when and where and to whom) I hold myself back in my expression. I know many of you would respond to that by saying “you don’t hold yourself back!” But I do…when I do put myself out there, I find the easy ways to do that but not necessarily the most effective ways for living as fully and creatively as I could. Also, a lot of my expression has been facilitated by other people. My good friends - they are some amazing, outgoing, vibrant people. They influence me, make me feel comfortable coming out of my shell.
But I have not made many close relationships to crazy people here (you know, good way crazy) and I think that I have to move beyond relying on the crazy people to say the things I want to say. I need to find that in myself.
I thought about this the whole way to work and then with the bus incident I was all proud that I had a strong voice. But now I am here. And it is quiet (actually I am sort of hiding right now) and I feel hesitant to interrupt anyone and I think that I should just do my work and save my social interaction for the prescribed lunch hour.
Why am I shutting up?
May 28, 2007 at 11:43 am · Filed under I am feeling..., Photographs
camera…dead…RIP 2004-2007
it makes me a little sad
i want to buy a new one but…
will have to think about that - it is a lot of money now but pictures from this summer…i have to say it…priceless
February 16, 2007 at 4:59 pm · Filed under I am feeling...
less than 48 hours…my tummy is already fluttering.
half an hour left at work then off to the travel party. we will go…somewhere…eat and drink…stay overnight in some type of…sleeping lodge establishment then part ways in the morning.
i have no clue how the evening will transpire but you will here about it and sunday’s race after the weekend.
November 27, 2006 at 10:49 am · Filed under Dreams, I am feeling...
It is currently warmer outside than in my apartment. A week ago I learned that my airconditioner doubles as a heater. I had an evening of glorious hot air and now, only a flashing green light. So yesterday I slept, I sat in hot water, I bundled.
I think I am being a wimp to the cold. I mean…it is still above zero. But my body is just not taking it this year. How will I react to Saskatchewan? Oh yeah wait though…I know how to work the heaters in SK.
I did have the most amazing dream the other night. At the park near my apartment (right next to the water) a charcoal sky storm was in progress. The most gigantic wave reached up further than my field of dream-view and then came crashing down on me. I lived, of course, so it was really cool. Can’t believe I conjured that one up.
October 10, 2006 at 4:29 pm · Filed under I am feeling...
When I was 12 I started a diary and in my first entry I wrote about that day’s experiences. My best friend got a new bed and then we went to the Milky Way and I got a strawberry ice cream cone with sprinkle dinkle.
Years later I found the almost unused diary (had been abandoned some 2 weeks later), read what I wrote and shuddered. This was all I could come up with?! I was 12 and full of pre-teen torment and twisting pain and tears and frustration and I wanted to break things! But I wrote about a new bed and getting ice cream and I used the word “dinkle”.
Since then I have often looked back on my past writings and shuddered. I have shuddered over things written on this site in the early days and have questionned whether or not I should delete. Usually there’s at least half a year that passes before I can really shudder at something I wrote. If it’s about a guy, maybe two months but…
Recently, I have been shuddering a lot. Like…minutes after I write something. I just reread this and shuddered. I think that maybe I am having a growth spurt. My mind is changing at alarming rates. I can’t relate to myself from 20 minutes ago. It makes it rather hard to make a point because I have no point. I start sharpening and then it seems like yesterday’s news and I get a new pencil. I think I should regress back to fingerpaints.
October 5, 2006 at 4:08 pm · Filed under Dreams, I am feeling...
You know how there are those people who remember everything you tell them about yourself? At the same time, there are those who do not remember anything at all. Conversation comes around to something you know you have already mentioned but it is like they are being told anew. You feel a pang of hurt and disconnection. Were they listening that time? Do they register anything about you? Do they care? You feel an imbalance of interest. You are paying them way more attention than they to you. It feels negative and scary.
On the other hand, there is a certain amount of freedom and excitement. Flexibility in viewpoint because they won’t remember your opinion. You can change it. They won’t call you on your contradictions and we all have contradictions a plenty. I can be as repetitive on the outside as I am on the inside.
But…do they forget because they are forgetful or because they couldn’t be bothered with you? I ask because I often find myself chasing after the people who forget me the most.
Yeah. I am sounding high school. No, maybe not high school but…depicting an experience in general vague terms to avoid seeming as though I am talking about a specific person…ugh. Maybe there are specifics but the thoughts are general…really.
For a while I had not been dreaming too deeply but the past few nights have brought about sleep adventures. The dreams have all had varying details but a common theme has been my hot and cold interactions with people I know. Random people - some from here, some from there, some from a long time ago. Crazy fluctuations between bonding in an incredible way and then getting the cold shoulder. One morning I woke up and thought “yeah…I deserved that” another morning, “no she would never do that” and then another “wow - what if that’s the way it really is?”.
Gee after not posting for a week you think I would deliver some at least a little upbeat goods. Soon. My sister is here and we are having a good time. Last weekend was spent in Kyoto and there are some flickr photos up in rememberance of that. I might possibly get around to explaining some of the them…I hope.
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