Archive for I am feeling...
April 27, 2008 at 10:39 pm · Filed under I am feeling..., Work
The end of life as a student is drawing near. There was that end back then but this is the real end. I start my new job as a Usability Analyst this Thursday. I’m a little scared. I guess it makes sense given that I’ve had student status for the past 23 years. I’m scared but I really really need to move on. I need that dental plan.
Hmm…I’ve been thinking about here. This site, this box. The past few months have been weird. Things are changing but they have not changed yet. I think my life has been holding its breath and when I think about writing part of me is wide-eyed shaking my head “no we have to keep on holding out breath!!” I’ve thought about shutting down, hiding away, closing the box. But I can’t completely because there might be that one day a month I have a picture to share.
I don’t know. I’m confused now? I am and I will leave it at that.
Though PS I’ve taken away commenting on posts. There was so much spam and it was tiring. If you have a comment, you probably know or can find my email address.
PPS I am reading the best book ever thanks to Andrew and then Eric.
December 13, 2007 at 7:19 pm · Filed under I am feeling...
My day has been a series of technical problems unrelated to my actual problem at hand but large enough that I feel like I have accomplished nothing among my list of things to do.
My laptop is running slowly and it seems to make my mind run slower too.
I had a job interview over the phone last week which I think I bombed when it came to the abstract logic and algorithmic problems. It reminded me of my days in the “gifted program” when we did “stories with a hole” problems. Me, never solving one, wondered why I was there. I think I eventually dropped out. I’m a gifted school drop-out.
I am stressed about finding work this winter.
I am stressed about finishing my thesis.
I am stressed that the work I have done this past fall is not really a contribution to any of the bigger picture.
I need a hug. I know I am lucky to have people cheering me on. But right now they are either far away or close but I can’t afford the time to see them.
Christmas is coming and it is motivating me to move along because soon I will see my family and close friends in Regina. But sometimes I worry that once I’m in that light at the end of the tunnel, I’ll still be blinded by all the things I feel I need to do.
I want to be uber-productive right now but I’m so wound up that it’s just working backwards.
What’s the best choice from here?
a) try try try you’ll get by
b) let yourself not do programming / thesis work for the rest of the night to start fresh in the morning
c) talk to someone – (about what?)
I’m going to karate. It might help me de-stress or someone might hit me the wrong way and the string will snap and tears will come (mine).
Then I have to prepare for a Christmas party I’m hosting tomorrow night. It is stressful as time is short but at least the work is well-defined cleaning, shopping, baking, and cooking activities that I know I can do and enjoy. Well….except the cleaning part.
Explode!
November 15, 2007 at 7:30 pm · Filed under I am feeling..., Thinking
Last night I got a sliver in my foot. Tweezers, nail clippers, and a file were no help so I hit the sack – maybe it would work its way out by morning. I moisturized my feet before sleeping, in the event that someone would have to help me remove a still-there-sliver, because I know sandpaper is not the greatest texture, and I moisturized in the morning before my jog.
The jog was hard. My body was not feeling with it. I remembered my old dog Robyn and how she would only go for walks with my mother. If anyone else tried to take her that person would get 20 feet from the house and then Robyn would stop, sit, and go no further. That’s what my legs felt like and I think that in some way, it had to do with the sliver. I was not in much pain, only some discomfort, but mentally all my energy was being poured in a thin stream focusing on that one point at the bottom of my foot.
I made it back and felt happy that although it was a sluggish jog, at least I got out there. I went into the bathroom, undressed, turned on the water, and stepped one still kind of moisturized foot into the tub then SLIP! That foot and the foot outside the tub both slid and I crashed down, knocking over bottles of shampoo and conditioner, catching my self with the heel of one hand, my left rib cage, and the left side of my face.
I got up and took a deep breath. Then I cried. Not for a long time but just, a 5 second cry to release a little ball of emotion that had been shaken up. I thought, I don’t want to hurt anything. If I injured myself and couldn’t run and couldn’t practice karate – what would make me happy? It was such a scary thought and then I was further shocked by the realization of how much these things mattered to me. It’s a good thing, to have something in your life that you hold dear, but there was another half to that realization – that I haven’t felt very strongly about things dear to me in a long time. At least not explicitly, openly, in a way that I am actually living it. To protect myself? Yes…probably. If nothing is dear than you can handle losing it. But…those are some murky, gray waters to swim in. Not so much swim, maybe float, face up to avoid facing what you have gotten yourself into.
How will this experience change? What is my “for now on I shall always do/be _______”? I don’t know yet. It could be a lesson that started with a sliver or it could be karma for the 25 cent chocolate I “bought” at the Dan-d-Pak Mart but on looking at my receipt later in the evening, had not been charged for it. Should I go back and give them the 25 cents and (probably I should) what do I tell them? “Don’t worry, it gave me a sliver.”
October 31, 2007 at 1:46 am · Filed under I am feeling...
I was in a weird mood today. Almost a little bad. Resorted to a nap.
Maybe I am wondering too much – in what way should I be happy? I am capable of being happy but, where should the happiness come from?
You can lose a root of happiness but then find it in something else. We are good at doing that. But when are the times that you shouldn’t be giving up on something that seems lost. When should you let it go?
Happiness is not in substances except for tonight when the lighting at Richard’s made my beer a great opaque blue/green colour. I felt like I was drinking emerald juice. I think it must have been good for my body – the minerals and such.
Happiness is wearing all plaid?
September 19, 2007 at 6:59 am · Filed under I am feeling..., Movies&Film
It seems as though everyone else is asleep but me. I tried. I even put an eye mask on; one that I acquired from someone who flew to Japan in business class and was willing to give up the “comfort kit” they gave out. I’m also wearing the thyme-scented socks, I brushed my teeth with the soft brush covered in paste from a wee tube, used the aromatherapy facial mist and the lip balm. I feel very upgraded. But still I can’t sleep.
Air flight movies:
fantastic four: eh. the silver surfer is cool but not having watched a lot of movies in the past year and a half I have little tolerance for the predictable let’s get emotional / excited parts. I just wanted to learn more about the silver surfer.
the messengers: came to this channel as the end credits were finishing and the first thing I saw was “thank you to the city of Regina”. I got excited because I thought I could watch the movie thinking “I know that” “I’ve seen that” “I’ve been there” but like many movies filmed in Saskatchewan it doesn’t actually take place in Saskatchewan but one of those northern states with fields.
Yeah I don’t really know how to review movies. If I tried to hard I might give it away so I’ll talk about myself more.
While trying to fall asleep my mind was running through a hodgepodge of images suitable for my current state: flying 34000 feet in the air halfway between two countries of which neither are quite home at the moment. Starbucks prepared me for this. I met with my friends in the airport Starbucks before my flight. They were advertising a new drink – blackberry matcha frappucino. If Vancouver and Japan had a love child and that baby had a flavour it would be blackberry matcha. But would it be an ugly baby? I tried and you know what – it works. Well it worked until I knocked the drink over. No spillage but in the excitement the whip cream tried to protect the blackberry sauce into the safety zone of the plastic dome lid. I tried to salvage some of the blackberry sauce to continue savouring the delicious combination but any more effort would have resulted in great distraction from conversation so I had to let it go. Also fitting because I am again confronted with a new chapter and possibly new living habits. Of the things that developed in me while in Japan what will be brought back to Vancouver?
Oh yeah the images in my head. I have no clue what will happen in the next six months, year and it is scary. In March of 2006 I had no clue what would happen in the next year but that was different. It was going to be foreign and that’s what it was all about – not having a clue. But this time…it is like I am opening a book I already read and loved but forgot. I am excited and parts of it are coming back to me. But actually I had borrowed the book from the library and they’ve already left a few overdue notices on my voice mail. I continue to read the book with uncertainty over whether or not I will be able to afford the late fees.
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