Archive for Reflection
January 14, 2008 at 9:26 am · Filed under In the Kitchen and Foodstuff, Reflection
A weekend beginning in new year celebration with the karate club. We went to Sakura, a Japanese restaurant in Richmond. The food felt closer to common izakaya fare in Japan when compared to the “fashionable” izakayas like Zakkushi and Kingyo. Although I really like those places, the food is still given enough twist to be different and foreign.
I ate the onigiri to the right and it was yummy, as was everything else and the sake.
Then I woke up the next day and I was a year older. What do I think about that?
As usual, conflicted over the extent that I should acknowledge it. But in the end, it will never not be acknowledge so I shouldn’t try to hide from self-reflection. This year’s theme was of course the need to finish school and find a job. Then there was the consideration that a year from now my life will be completely different. That brings up a mixture of: fear - what will it be?, urgency - I need to make it something, and excitement - there are so many possibilities.
This morning I had a dream where I returned to Japan to continue work at NTT. The office room was darker, people were busy. I sat down at my desk and it was somewhat cleaned up since the time I left. I wished that I was wearing new clothes. I tried to work but couldn’t find the motivation. It actually felt like I was going backwards.
I woke up knowing I have to move forward.
January 11, 2008 at 11:01 am · Filed under On the Train / Bus, Reflection
I guess one reason for writing is that it makes you take note of things that make each day different. Maybe only with the motivation to write about them but ultimately, the meaning lasts longer than the motivation.
My special event of yesterday:
On the way home from UBC at night I transferred to the number 7. Walking to the back of the bus I took a second glance at a woman sitting to the right and realized that I knew her. I continued on taking two steps further, then had second thoughts and turned back around to say hello.
I had worked with this woman at a coffee house in Regina for a short time. Then after I moved here I ran into her within the first few months. Her daughter was living here and she was visiting and I think, planning on moving to Vancouver. I continued to run into her in Vancouver, Regina, and flights in between.
I had forgotten about her after moving to Japan. I think I forgot about a lot of things. But then a few months ago, I was standing on Dunbar, waiting for the 25, and the 7 drove by. I was pretty sure that I saw her in the window.
Last night, I almost let it go. So that I could relax in my tiredness after karate practice, so that I could sit alone and have space around me to hold my drenched umbrella, so that I could eat my blackberry twizzlator in peace. (Is that the right spelling? I tried to Google twizzlator but with no results except now the word twizzler is nails on chalkboard.) But really, how could I when, here is a person that it seems I am meant to run into at all unexpected times.
We exchanged some life stories in the five minutes before my stop. Four blocks to go and I was scribbling my email address onto a notebook page so that maybe one day we can meet but not by accident.
I got off the bus and I felt really happy.
Maybe it is just coincidence that we always run into each other. Maybe there is a reason that I am yet to find out. Either way, it makes me happy to see this person and that was something I almost gave up because I was seeking my natural comforts. On the bus - being alone and having space.
It made me think about what we, what I give up just to be comfortable.
October 12, 2007 at 12:29 pm · Filed under Reflection
When I was a kid I would collect rocks and pretend that they were precious gemstones. Finding myself in a gravel pit near the Shadey Vale Resort it occurred to me that I may have not been so inclined to bring home jewels if I had grown up somewhere else.
Rocks in Saskatchewan are colourful as the land is fairly high in an assortment of minerals. I’ll leave the research about what sorts of minerals to you but…I just didn’t realize this until I had the chance to spend a substantial period of time away from the province.
Speaking of small rocks, the new karate group is hard but really satisfying and I feel eager to get to the next practice. Last night after a bit of stretching the sensei started exercises by asking us, according to [insert name of famous martial arts dude here], what is the best martial art? Somebody answered, “kung fu??” No…”running”. So he took us for a run outside and around the student union building. He and some others went barefoot. I only had my flats with me but still wore them for fear of lacerating my foot. I had confidence at first because I jog regularly but this was running, not jogging. It was a little tough for me. Then on return to the SUB, we went up and down the stairs a few times…running down, hopping up. I also learned that I really don’t know how to jump/hop. I will have to practice that - I don’t know how to get my feet off the ground unless there is a horizontal plane to put the rest of my body on.
I signed up for a tournament in 2 weeks. Only for the kata (forms), not the kumite (sparring). It gives me extra motivation. This morning I have been daydreaming about the movements. Still, I need to remember that daydreaming != practice.
October 4, 2007 at 11:11 pm · Filed under Flashback, In the Kitchen and Foodstuff, Reflection
Ingredients are bought for a recipe made once every 10 years. One to two teaspoons are drawn from a hand sized bottle leaving ounces left behind to wait for the next time you decide to experiment. Will it still be good the next time? How can you tell? These products are good at maintaining their look, smell, and one assumes, flavour.
It is interesting to note how a product’s packaging changes over time, and how it doesn’t. And why don’t they use this font anymore? The spacing of the letters reminds me of laying in the sun at my cabin, reading my father’s and his brother’s old comic books and wondering if the mail order ads for novelty items, the magic manual to get that beach bod, and a set of 1001 tiny little green soldiers were still applicable.
The above bottle was bought sometime in the late 70s. Below, before that. There is no UPC on the bottle. Could it have been on a box? I somehow doubt that. This bottle has history. It has the number ‘23′ which at sometime meant something to someone. Now it means nothing and the life of this bottle that has existed all my life will soon end. Should the toss happened on the 23rd at 23:23? Then the story of Brandy could be that it spent the majority of its life time marked with a symbol of its own fate.
Then the peppermint extract. This was a toy. Not a toy but an essential ingredient to many potions crafted in yogurt containers. If only I could have figured out the right combination of flour, shampoo, corn syrup and the green stuff…
This is produced or distributed by Nabob Foods Limited, Vancouver, Canada (according to back of bottle). That is the same Nabob as Nabob Coffee, before they changed their name to Nabob Coffee and long before the company was acquired by Kraft. I wonder when Nabob Foods Limited stopped existing. Could the UPC on the back help? It is only 6 digits long: 600162. Googling is fruitless.
I came back to Regina yesterday. Here over the weekend. It is good to see family and friends again, though confronting the remnants of myself in this city is hard. This time, more so than last Christmas, I feel like I’ve changed so much and I am wondering what parts of my past identities, if any, should I hold onto.
September 29, 2007 at 12:49 pm · Filed under Reflection
Thursday evening I was on my way to the student union building and I saw what looked like the remnants of a demonstration around the old bus loop.
I think it is a campaign by the Students for a Democratic Society group at UBC.
From their site:
This campaign seeks to safeguard public spaces on campus, and to liberate corporate/privatized space so that it may be accessible to all. A huge component of this campaign is to oppose the University Blvd Development Plan in its entirety and essence (since its purpose is to make the centre of campus a corporate/private space to which students only have access as customers or condo owners/renters), and to replace this plan with one that maximizes public space and green space (keeps the grassy knoll), emphasizes student controlled space, makes the centre of campus car-free, and actually increases bus-ridership across the campus community.
I like the concept of free space and I agree that the feeling of student as customer is becoming stronger and stronger.
But from a non-political / activist perspective - I wondered why there were no people using the free space. Yes, it was a bit rainy outside and I imagine that couch being too wet to sit on but still…only information about the campaign was posted on the free speech board.
I took pictures and I felt a little awkward, like people were maybe watching or noticing me and I did not want to be noticed. It made me think about the personal barriers one would need to overcome to enjoy the free space.
Then I walked into the SUB and thought about the comfort people find in being a consumer. Spending money and receiving consumables and the right to be somewhere gives one purpose. To use free spaces, you need to make your own purpose. It will not be sold to you.
Members of groups like the one who organized this have their purpose - how can that purpose be distributed to everyone? Who will accept it if it means giving up comforts.
I imagine these groups face this problem all the time. I guess I am doing some inner reflection - why have I never gotten involved? Because it means giving up my comfort…
September 11, 2007 at 5:10 pm · Filed under Reflection, Work
In research frameworks can be created to help understand the way things. The frameworks can direct production that comes out of the research. They can lead to new frameworks and they can alter themselves. They are ways to organize our thoughts and make sense of things. Categorization, labeling, sorting, reference.
The problem is getting trapped by a framework. Enjoying its organization but in reality, the framework’s existence provides no benefit. In fact, it may be and likely is blinding you to other ways of thinking.
Then the scary thing is when you do realize that the framework is just a perception, one way to look at the picture. Unfortunately the first thought is usually not “oh yeah! this is a SHAM let’s move on!!” but the face winces and wonders - “oh how much did this sham eat? how many months has it been?”
I am writing a final report and feeling the above. The second part…I almost got to moving on but was stopped by the “how?” It is a little bit worsened by considering that this is not only applicable to research but to all areas of life.
But the thing that I must remember right now is that the small every-15-minute-what-was-I-thinking winces shouldn’t be giving me large I-should-stop-doing-stuff winces. No…they are all part of some learning / growing process that is life I guess. I have to consider that these winces make my life richer.
Y’all understanding the wince I’m talking about? I bite my lower lip and suck air in. What do you do?
June 7, 2007 at 1:35 pm · Filed under Reflection
After purchasing 神の雫 I walked by a display of “drawings of dad” put up for father’s day. What did I notice the most? The large number of fathers drawn with a 5-o’clock shadow. I don’t know why this struck me. No I do - I feel sensitive to the stereotypical situation of a Japanese family: mother at home and father who is never home during the week and come weekend his children don’t know his face. It is a stereotype, not all families are like this but still…when I hear about situations supporting the stereotype I am sad. The stubble makes me think that someone is working hard, over working. It makes me think that the only image a child has of his or her father is of an overworking man.
But I guess most of the faces are smiling. That is good. Maybe I feel a little sad when I think about family-style in Japan but I have to remember that most of the sadness is rooted in the expectations I developed for what a family should be. These children likely have different expectations and are probably (hopefully) happy in life.
Heh - and my dad had a beard so I guess we could never use stumble as a “how hard is dad working” indicator anyway.
January 31, 2007 at 6:19 pm · Filed under Reflection, Spend spend spend!
On a slightly related note to some current research thoughts, in December I received my first batch of 100 mooCards. My intentions were to use them as business cards. Given that I will not be at NTT forever, and not be at UBC forever (god I hope), I made them a generic Meghan card with my email address and a link to this site.
A few weeks ago I was at a meeting and was presented with my first opportunity to hand out my cool new cards but I totally couldn’t. Possibly because the meeting was fairly formal (I wore my new brown dress pants…I bought brown dress pants in Japan because…they fit…but they look the same as my highschool chemistry teacher’s) but this ran through my head: “which one do I give???!!! are there any vulgar pictures on them I can’t remember??? this might take too much time…I have to select!”.
MooCards are too personal for business-card-ing. Each one shows a little piece of what I have seen. The variety too. Different pictures have different meanings to me and choosing them can’t be random. The best thing for me to do would be to let the receiver choose but I don’t think that fits the business card exchange model. Perhaps I need an automatic MooCard dispenser. A small camera could detect the crispness of the receiver’s suit(clothing) and dispense a properly themed card.
January 16, 2007 at 6:52 pm · Filed under Random Thoughts, Reflection, Thinking
If what I could write about was like going to a party, I’d be showing up naked for that party and while I might entertain and it would be the most honest thing for me to do, I don’t know if it would be socially acceptable and it could haunt me the next day.
Things in this box have been slow. There is a lot I could potentially fill it with but it all seems too personal. Lately I’ve been debating whether it seems too personal because it is or because I am too scared and retreating into myself.
Or it might be because I don’t have Internet in my apartment or because of this whole actually being productive for most of an entire day thing.
I have thoughts of shutting things down, closing the box. But I don’t want to. I need an outlet. But is this it? Lately I am lacking a satisfying way to express myself. I am racking my brain to find out what that new way will be.
I am a little scared that it is just me getting older and jaded and not so expressive.
My song today (thanks to younger bro): Clap Your Hands Say Yeah’s “The Skin of my Yellow Country Teeth”.
July 6, 2006 at 3:34 pm · Filed under Reflection, Thinking
Yesterday on entering my work building, a front entrance security guard substituted the usual “ohayoo gozaimasu” for “good morning”. It made me smile and today I tried to be louder and clearer with my ohayoo gozaimasu reply. Usually I just mutter it under my breath because I am not sure if it is normal for people to reply. But that’s silly isn’t it? It is silly that I consider what the normal response should be instead of going with my instinctual [you wave I wave back even if I don't know you].
Last weekend was good. I went to a BBQ on Canada Day (had my own little inner celebration) with people from my work group and many people who used to work with the group as well as family members. At first I was a little nervous because I only knew a few of the people there…but they were amazingly nice so I had a great time. On Sunday a new NTT intern from Canada arrived so I took her out for some shopping and a cooking class which I will hopefully post about soon.
This week I find myself reflecting on home a lot. Not so much things at home, but people. I am thinking a lot about all you out there back in Canada. I wouldn’t say I am “missing” people (I don’t often feel “miss” (??)), but I am wondering about the changes in people’s lives, how people are growing, how much will be changed when I get back, and how much I will be changed. Sometimes I worry that I will come back and the physical distance I have with people here will be translated to mental distances when we are close again. I also think about relationships I will develop here, and if they will be maintainable in the years after my Japan experience. It is weird to think about the lack of permanence I have here. I could come and then go and then be gone and to some I will just be “that intern from Canada”. Is it conceited to say that I want to be remembered?
So lately I have been thinking about how I can make my experience worth it, how I can make an impression on people that will last and how I can build strong friendship ties. My goal (heh, tell me if this is realistic or not) is to make at least one friendship where I am able to convince that person to visit Regina with me.
Maybe that is actually code for “I want to find a Japanese guy that I can bring home to meet my mom”. Who knows : P! I don’ t know if I know any single people here. It seems that most are married or close to it and I think that might affect my perception of being single. In Vancouver marriage seemed like something in the distant future - similar to how a driver’s license seems when you are 8…man, it is totally far away. Now it is dawning on me that just like I got my driver’s license and smoked my first cigarette and made my first credit card transaction (not necessarily in that order), I might also someday get married. That is scary. But exciting. But scary. So scary that I can’t talk about marriage without using a lot of words to express uncertainty. “Hmm…maybe it is possible that I could get married someday to someone from somewhere in the world and I might be happy about it.” I guess I should really take advantage of these years…I guess I am doing that. Just need to remember to relish in singledom while I have it (is that the proper use of relish?). Being single means that I can shamelessly conduct cereal experiments. More to come on that soon if I can learn how to make appropriate use of my afterhours and find the right bowl.
June 5, 2006 at 3:47 pm · Filed under Reflection
From Saturday night insomnia:
This is the most frustrating I am so tired but I cannot sleep night. To many grape gummies gone to me head. That and Tetris which fools me into thinking it will lull me to sleep and now I have gummy tetris shapes floating behind my eyelids.
I also feel like I am fighting a frustration but what it is I have not totally put my finger on yet. I think it has something to do with growing up. I think that my experiences here have grown into new realizations (whether real or ones I make up) and an old part of me is really really fighting to not fully realize them. They are in that category of somewhat negative things about the way you act but not the negative things that you are used to calling yourself on. Not the “oh yeah, I procrastinate”, “I can be a bit stubborn”, etc. They are those things that you do without an inkling of knowing you do them - but it is likely that they get rubbed off onto people you interact with, whether they know it or not.
In this past week, I’ve had a number of “ohhh” moments but when I try to conclude them my mind goes back to the regular hang-ups I have about myself which are mostly things that I made up for protection from the real scary things in life. It’s like I have this list of faults that I love to remind myself of but really I have grown used to them and they only help me avoid “real faults”. In fact I think some items on that list are completely not who I am but I keep them so that when I do something that would be “overcoming the fault”, I can be all proud of myself.
I am left in this really weird state because on the one hand, I have these realizations creeping in and I want to confront them. I want to know where I am not being true to either myself or other people. It is a little embarrassing when you remember those repressed moments where you were totally not acting with integrity and it’s likely that someone saw through you. On the other hand, my auto faults are loading and I am trying to see past them. This is also hard and confusing yet at the same time, really really freeing because for many of them, I can simply remind myself “oh yeah, I made that up” and then that’s it.
I don’t know if any of the above made sense because I’m trying to summarize without example or detail. Specific examples generalize too much and I don’t want to generalize…but to give it some context, I will say that the two main areas of “the way I am” that I am dealing with are: 1. how much I think about myself and want others to think about me (=96% of the time) and 2. how much of my restlessness and complaining about the lack of parties and adventures in my life is due to the perpetual pursuit of comfort. So in case two, my thinking path is often “I really want to do something crazy”, “I need to find someone to do something crazy with”, “I need to know more people”, “why don’t I know more people?”, “is it because I live in this neighborhood and not that”, “no, I think it is because I am not wearing the right clothes”, “but no, people are not that shallow, it must be that I am not attractive enough”. Seriously folks, as well as sadly, that is often it. Really, I should consider that my day to day decisions are all based on me being a) safe, b) warm, c) looking the best that I can, d) rewarded, e) entertained, and f) in a well formulated state of physical and mental comfort. (f) is a whole other thing that I could get into but I won’t right now. It could involved equations and I can’t do equations after 11:30 pm.
May 22, 2006 at 6:17 pm · Filed under Dreams, Experiences, Reflection
Reading my last few posts, I feel really disjointed from what I wrote. Like…that’s not really me talking…but it is…I think that over the past few weeks I have been going through a lot of ups and downs on my purpose and identity. Not that I need to establish purpose and identity…but I would like to have some sense of priority. There are so many possibilities here and I have some limitations (distributing time and money) so I am in this phase of “ok what should I concentrate on”. Indecisive days leave me in this really shallow place with not so much personality and I feel like that’s been reflected in whatever I write. Then…maybe it was just from being sick…which I am not anymore so that is good.
I think I am coming to some conclusions on what my focuses here should be…which is also good. Hopefully this will lead to more action and adventures : P. I guess I also need to figure out money priorities too because adventure does mean managing / budgeting how much you are willing to allocate to these activities. That is something a little hard about living here. There are SO MANY OPTIONS AND THINGS AND STUFF and if you are like me you likely repress decisions until they come out in impulses and then you wonder why did I spend money on this again?
So…what did I spend my money on this past weekend : ) Well…Saturday I had a Japanese lesson and I spent most of my time before and after studying. Learning as much of the language as possible while I am here is high on my list of priorities - the great thing is that it is fun!
Sunday was a beautiful day so I had to spend time outside but before that, the good weather inspired me to do some yoga, run, and get some housework done. Then I took a train & subway to Minato Mirai, a very new area in Yokohama. Mirai basically means “the future”, and futuristic it was. I didn’t hang out for very long, but strolled through the subway station, rode up the longest escalator I have ever been on, saw some jugglers, followed a crowd past surreal looking silver buildings and carnival rides, over a bridge and through a shopping centre. I skipped buying 350円 plates though I might have to go back because they are still on my mind. Back outside the shopping centre, I walked by a very nice field for picnic-ing and to Akarenga, old red (aka) brick (renga) warehouses converted to buildings with shops. Again, very very surreal looking because this two ancient warehouses are in the middle of nowhere (or as nowhere as I have been since arriving here which is never very far from somewhere else).
Click that last link to see a picture. Sorry…no pictures from me. Wasn`t in the mood I guess. But I will have to go back. I really liked the atmosphere of the place. There were many people sitting outside the buildings, against the wall or on the steps, eating frozen mango or ice cream purchased from cafes inside. They all looked relaxed, care free. Definitely enjoyed the vibe there.
But on I went…to Chinatown! So again, I will have to make a few trips for full enjoyment of all of Chinatown’s flavours but this initial dip of the toes (or tongue?) was definitely a yummy one. Many places sell roasted chestnuts and I would not have bought any normally but the sweetest looking guy approached me in the street and reaching out with a sample asked “chestnut?” I couldn’t ignore his sale attempt in English so I tried and without reflecting on what I just ate, bought a small bag. But yum!! Wow I did not know they were so good. In fact until yesterday I thought that chestnuts were possibly mythical, like Santa Claus and that whole gang, because I had only heard of them in Christmas related media but had never actually been offered them to eat. Sure maybe they were in bowls by the fireplace but they were never eaten so I thought well, they are probably fake. But now I know. Chestnuts are awesome! There are many other food things I will have to try in Chinatown. I am happy that it is not too far away.
Because of my desire to save money and my non-camera mood, I decided to end my adventure early and I headed back to Yokosuka. There, I met up with my neighbour Hitomi and we went to a restaurant nearby. The restaurant was split into 3 areas: one for sushi, one for fish dishes, and another for yaki-niku and korean food. It made choosing very hard, but in the end, I think we could have ordered from all three menus regardless of where we sat. The supper was very good…a salad with tuna sashimi on top, korean style okonomiyaki, and a spicier korean noodle dish.
By the end of the day I was pretty tired and I slept really really deeply last night. With weird dreams though. I won’t get into it now – but quickly – I lived in an apartment building with basement levels that were used as a prison. In the beginning there was a family (husband, wife, two children) in there for political reasons and the children were constantly wandering off in the night to sleep in random locations. I would find them and bring them back to their rooms and stay with them until they fell asleep again while cursing their mother because she was neglecting them. Later in my dream the family was gone, but the new inmates were your typical movie-style prisoner folk. I think this all took place in Vancouver/Regina morph…let’s call it…no let me think here for a moment…Recouver. It was weird stuff. I was walking through a park by this building and there was snow on the ground but it was summer and there were these large-beaked birds from Australia perched on smaller trees. They were diving birds and one dove towards me, crashed into my shin and then deflated into something resembling a rubber chicken.
Ha…yes…quick.
April 3, 2006 at 5:00 pm · Filed under Japan, Reflection
So I have not written much about my experiences so far. There are two reasons for this: (1) limited Internet access and too much to do when I do get online and (2) I have not yet wanted to `taint` my experiences by applying some view or perspective. Does that make sense? No? I guess I mean that I`ve been trying to experience Japan without my identity, my preconceptions, my judgements. Without them, things are so much more exciting and I feel more open, but it`s also harder to analyze and summarize. But I do want to share so here I go…
The first thing that has really hit me here is the many contrasts. From busy and crowded and bustling to empty and quiet and peaceful. From traditional to modern. Some things so small or spartan and others large and extravagant. Moderation not in being average but in moderating between extremes.
I`m really enjoying all of this. Enjoying seeing new products, new expressions and actions, new sights. In terms of sights, I feel like I reduce things to lines and shapes and lines and shapes here are put together in a different way from in Canada. The most prominent example of this is houses and buildings. I am used to things being made to give people space and neighborhoods being all constructed at once so all the buildings are uniform and in rows. Buildings here are pell-mell, really old next to new, traditional style next to something more modern (that contrast thing again), streets not so grid like.
Ahh…I have more to say but what should I say next? Maybe a list of some awesome things :)? OK:
- the people I work with are very friendly and so helpful. It can be hard for me to ask people for help at times because I don`t like being a burden - but I never feel like a burden here (at least not yet). I wonder if this has to do with more enthusiasm to help out?
- the toilets in my office have heated seats. Actually that pretty much makes up for anything that might not be so awesome.
- food is delicious, even at convenience stores (which there are plenty of) and for the first week, my breakfast was mainly purchased at the Lawson`s around the corner from my house.
Now I am just thinking about the food so I`m going to leave it at that and write more later.
March 23, 2006 at 10:17 pm · Filed under Reflection
Can’t capture the emptiness of my apartment right now. My voice echoes and my typing echoes but you can’t hear that. It’s just empty. I am really going. I can’t stay here because when I walk inside and try to put my keys down, that shelf is no longer there.
Moving is the ultimate destroyer of habits. That’s freeing and freakish at the same time. What will the Japan-Meg do? What will my morning routine be?
Maybe I will dream about that tonight. Right now, I am exhausted.
February 22, 2006 at 12:27 pm · Filed under Reflection, Things Found Online
I was one of those kids who were always trying to break an arm or leg because it would be so cool to have a cast. I hovered around sick siblings so that I could catch the bug and stay home too. So today when the optometrist told me I have astigmatism my ears perked up. “Something wrong??…!?” It’s silly because it is not even severe to the extent that I need glasses. I am fine without them. I think that really, I was excited about acquiring a label, a classification, a new statistic to file myself under.
When I came to the lab, Tony had a link to his personal Interactive Johari Window and I was all over this idea. Please go to my Johari window (if you know me) and pick out a few words to describe me. I can’t get enough of these things!
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