defended
early
nervous and hiding
forgetful
practicing
defense
and I passed! yay! now waiting to get off this campus, back home and into bed.
Archive for Theeeeeeeeeeesis
waiting…
Squatting in the hallway, waiting for the verdict. The defense did not feel so bad. I think the hardest questions to answer were ones from the students. Not to say everything was a success but I didn’t cry. Now just waiting…
sliding
What is writer’s block called if you are not writing but making powerpoint slides? Or putting together, framing up, drawing up, etc. powerpoint slides? The root of my frustration with this presentation must be in the unavailability of a more specific action word for making slides (something other than making, creating, etc.). It has nothing to do with thinking the thesis is a sham.
Yay for Lunar eclipse on February 21st! Perhaps I should stay in Saskatchewan for a few more days and increase my chances of clear skies?
Last night’s practice was a battle with my height. To start - running with one finger brushing the ground. Later learning that my feet should be closer together when in shikodachi, making it harder to squat down. Conclusion: it will be very very very difficult for me to have beautiful kata.
Three more slides where are you??!!
almost there
I don’t think I’ve ever worked for a stretch of time as long as this. I was never an allnight-er person. A good sleep could always speed work up so much - who could say no? But this is different. My thesis has been a monster to me. It still is. Though today is my deadline. I have no other choice. I’ve been working since 8am yesterday, running on naps totaling around 2 hours. In two and a half hours I want to leave the house and go print the beast off, drop it off at UBC, and then sleep for a while.
There is not much left to do but it feels like there is so much. Actually, given my current state the little left to do is probably a lot. That would be why I am writing here and not there. I have done everything else except wrap up some results that I feel I don’t have. Things are reviewed and summarized and discussed but is there a point?
I’m in awe of how much these pages and these words have constantly been in the background and often foreground of my life for the past…2 years? 3 years? Who will I be when it’s over? It will be like having this massive space in my head drained of its contents and be open for * new * things.
Okay…back…just a little more to go.
there’s a title but I’m not finding it
I was in the building of some establishment, cement floors, plastic and chrome chairs, gray, and I walked out onto a balcony. The balcony was set in the side of a mountain belonging to a ring of mountains. It overlooked a deep valley lush in dark green evergreens, filled with fog, and tiled with blue Japanese rooftops surrounding what looked like a castle from Germany. I saw a giant sloth-like creature hanging out on an electricity line running from one side of the mountain ring to another. The creature was mossy green in colour, feathery, had the head of a sloth, but its arms and legs were thick and cylindrical like an elephant’s. I went for my camera. It jumped off the line and…didn’t fly but sort of floated (?) to the side of a tower. It could move very fast. Then it jumped again and came towards the balcony. I was scared. It was right next to me and I couldn’t look and I didn’t know what to do. Then I felt a giant, wet tongue land on my face and with its friendly lick, I woke up.
I think it was encouraging me to be all ganbatte on the thesis. Which is going okay. It feels like it will never end but I know eventually it will. How will I end with it?
Before the valley, in my dream, I had been hanging out in an old gym / greasy diner used primarily by senior citizens. They loved me being there because I was young but I acted like them. All the old men had tiny gym bags and pale hand towels slung over their shoulders.
So today while waiting for a prescription at Shoppers I contemplated being 80 and did the blood pressure check. It was low - too low? I love the feeling of my arm being squeezed as the cuff inflates.
A while before that I was jogging in the forest. Tree branches were sagging under the weight of the snow, adding little obstacles to my course. The only other people out were dog walkers - another obstacle I love. I’m not being sarcastic either. They are fun, squirmy little black, white, and golden hurdles. Otherwise, it was snow-packed-ears quiet and that was great.
I can’t wait to be done.
Dear All,
The Masters exam for Ms. Meghan Deutscher has been scheduled for:
Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 1:30 p.m. in MCLD 418.
Meghan, be sure to have a copy of your thesis to each committee member and one copy on display in ECE Student Services no later than one week prior the exam.
start the countdown
It is almost settled. My thesis defense date is almost set to be February 11th or 12th.
Holy crap. And I feel so utterly unprepared.
If I act like a robot in the next three weeks - it is because I am somewhat in panic mode.
Though in some ways I don’t feel panicked. I feel unprepared because I’ve never experienced what I’m preparing for and it’s really scary. There is a lot of work…but it doesn’t mean I can’t get the job done.
But please, if you can remember, in the next three weeks, please don’t ask me “how’s the thesis going?”. Things I prefer:
“Hey Meghan, do you want some cookies?”
“Have you seen some annoying advertisements lately?”
“How much do you ‘love’ CVS Meghan?” (This is if you want me to cry but I am willing to engage in this discussion if you are able to remind me about CVS’s good points.)
and “Hey, what’s your favorite colour today?”
In case you were thinking that I missed “how’s the job hunt going” on that list…I didn’t. I put out a few applications last week. I hope to get a few more out by the end of this week. But other than that, I need to focus on my thesis. If I am asked about the job hunt too much - I might have to start lying.
In December at a Christmas party someone popped the H’sTT question and I answered honestly. “So, so, but it’s taking so long. I have been making progress, but only bit by bit. It seems so hard”. A friend and fellow student hearing this laughed at me, “Meghan - you’re too honest! Most people would just say ‘yeah yeah it’s going great, no problems there!’”
It occurred to me that I could do that. It would feel like a lie but what about all those times someone asks “how are you?” and you respond “great!” despite the cold-shower-stubbed-toe-forgot-to-charge-the-ipod-morning.
I think I might stick with telling the truth. And I should talk about my cold showers more.
snow weekend
It started snowing yesterday and then it might have stopped overnight. I don’t know, I was cooped up * trying * to work on thesis.
This morning it was coming down in slow puffs like dandelion fluff in the sky. I watched from inside the kitchen and it made my heart feel all warm inside. It was good but…I felt some frustration because there was no outlet for that happy coziness. I wanted to bake cookies but it wouldn’t be good to take the time and even if I did I’d probably eat them all while writing.
I did go for a walk in the afternoon. The snow reminded me of Saskatchewan (of course), but I was in Vancouver, but Vancouver hidden in a blanket of snow, disguised as Saskatchewan maybe. I sort of felt like I wasn’t in either place. I’m just in some dimension and I can’t leave until I finish my thesis.
Sorry for being such a big sigh but….BBLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! I wish I was done. Where are my ruby slippers?
I have 4 mini sections (maybe 2 pages of single spaced writing), half of my concluding contributions and a future work section left before I can say my draft is done. The trouble is that 2 of those mini sections feel really complicated and shaky. I know, I should do the easy ones for now. But I tried to attack one of the hard mini sections and it knocked me out of the ring. Gotta get back in.
expanders for writing motivation
Paragraph by paragraph they say. But these paragraphs take hours to assemble. It seems like it will take fooooooorever to finish. It probably does not help that I use the page count as a progress indicator rather than the actual content. Then there are the “expanders”. Formatting that you save up for times when you feel like it will never get done and you need motivation through apparent increased page count. Some expanders:
- adding a table of contents
- adding page breaks so that each chapter starts on its own page
- adding an appendix (or even just placing the title and page for one
- adding figures (this I save until near the end) and
- I keep my document single spaced so that it is faster to scroll through but since the required format is double spaced - every hour double spacing your paragraphs just to see how many pages it will really be
VIDEOPLACE
I am reading about Myron Krueger’s “VIDEOPLACE“. Myron Krueger is the guy who coined the term “artificial reality” and VIDEOPLACE was one of his artworks from the 1970s that is sort of labeled as “the first” in interactive artwork. I don’t know if that is too accurate but I guess the point is that the work was/is very influencial, especially for video- and camera-based interactive systems that track participant movement and gestures.
VIDEOPLACE is an artificial reality environment consisting of a video camera and other sensors to track a participant’s movement in front of a projection screen. Video displayed on the projection screen responds to participant gestures with over 50 compositions that include the person’s shadow as a base. The compositions manipulate participant silhouettes, create graphical worlds around them, and produce virtual objects and lively organisms that interact with the silhouettes. A participant in turn can interact with movement of their whole body as well as direct manipulation with elements of the compositions.
I’ve read about VIDEOPLACE a lot but I think that tonight is the first time that I’ve really looked at imagery from the video compositions and I must say that they really attract me. I kind of want mini VIDEOPLACE aesthetics on my computer at work. Some images from this guy here (who took them from some of Krueger’s publications I think so we both apologize if they were copyrighted):
…and from a Golan Levin paper…
Graphics from the 70s - simplistic shapes but amazing colour schemes. It makes me nostalgic for a time before I was born. A time when people who experienced this artwork would be absolutely amazed by the technology. It would be like magic for them.
From what I read VIDEOPLACE is still up and running somewhere but I don’t know where. I would really like to see it. I imagine that it could still be a really engaging experience given the playfulness of the interaction compositions.
Why are similar video/camera interactive pieces made nowadays not very engaging? Is it because the experience is convolved with social, political, environmental, etc. messages and it is no longer based on pure interaction with the media and reflection of the participant?
UPDATE: I woke up in the morning thinking about what I said in that last paragraph. About pure interaction with the media…Well that was in a day when the technologies used were not woven into the fabric of life. When what was being confronted was the technology itself and what it meant for our future. Now many of the same technologies are still used in artworks but in an exploration of current-future issues such as our social networks and behaviours as constructed with current communication technologies and environmental consequences of current human practices (much supported by computing devices).
the light at the end of the tunnel
Gosh! I did the smartest thing that I could have done a long time ago yesterday. So technically, I can’t really claim it being a smart idea given the lateness of its actual implementation. Darn - why DIDN’t I start doing this a long time ago? I think I kind of did in the guise of other collect your note tools like citeulike and del.icio.us and google notebook but…it just never worked out. I was working within the confines of those sites.
So yesterday I finally started a blog to collect my thesis notes and thoughts. Again - why didn’t I do this before? Ugh.
Anyway it is making me happy. Totally helping me collect and organize my thoughts and it makes it easier to get back to my thesis work after breaks.
I included a link up there if you are interested but…I guess it is worth noting that I am writing purely, entirely for myself. Those notes are not meant to be coherent, contributive, etc. Maybe they could be to someone in the future but for now, I am pretending to myself that no one else is looking.
But * joy * this makes things fun!
* joy * joy *
sugoi argh
I am sitting here staring at my thesis. Ok maybe not at this moment right now I am staring at Word Press software but either way I want to cry. I genuinely want to work on my thesis, want to try. But I don’t know what to do. I will try to write something and then feel like there are all these things I don’t know that I need to know to write. So I will stop and half search for them but feel like the search could go on forever. And then I will sleep and the next day I won’t have time to get back. And then the next day I will forget where I was. How do I do this? My head hurts. My stomach hurts. But I really really need to get this done.
AND when I do try to figure out where I am at I read what I wrote and it seems utter crap. How am I going to do this?
evaluation
I’ve been using this word - evaluation - and I just realized that it is totally not the word that I want to use.
This happens often. A word fits and you use it over and over again and one day you actually read the definition and realize how wrong it is for your ideas.
evaluation: the act or result of judging the worth or value of something or someone
At some point I made evaluation mean the act of seeking understanding and I guess at times people judge to seek understanding but I am more interested in understanding gained by stripping away judgements.
Now I need to find a new word. This is gonna take all Friday night folks.
everything is about food
Lately. But I make sense of places with things in this order: food, architecture, vegetation, fashion so…food tops. No really, this is a happy find. I am in the Boulevard, a new coffee house on campus. It’s an alright place. Big, full or students but the sound level is not too bad, and I am enjoying the current artwork. A little expensive…when you see a student spend 4.45+tax on a chai latte you wonder how tuition can be complained about but…
…they have onigiri here! I was told you could find it in Vancouver but was not sure where. Now I have a source!! Chicken, tuna and konbu varieties. Bought one for lunch so today will be a happy day. (As long as the onigiri high can mask my tax return emotions.)
Speaking of tax return…
…actually no, let’s not talk about that.
Actually, I am reading a paper right now: Crafting participation: designing ecologies, configuring experience (Heath, Luff, vom Lehn, Hindmarsh, 2002) and in the beginning they talk about how visual art from the Renaissance onward (use paintings as specific examples) were designed to engage a viewer more and make the viewer an “active spectator”. The context of the spectator - their location, perspective of the artwork and the relationship between the viewer, the artwork, and surrounding physical elements were taken into account to create different viewing experiences. An example given is of artwork in a chapel. A figure on an altarpiece might be gazing towards an image of a saint in the roof of the chapel. Upon seeing the figure a viewer will follow its gaze and discover the saint.
I think I have read about how artists do this before but today I am relating it to research considering a person’s location, physical relationship to other objects, etc. in the design of new technologies. How our devices might respond to our physical context, how technology can be used to create even more drastic variations on how we experience our environment, depending on our location within it. Just thinking about examples of that…none of them all that well formulated in my head so I am gonna stop here and go pick up my T4.
enter the monster
I have to find the right font.
This size is too big. My thoughts will seem too loud.
Maybe if I give this folder a funny name, the amusement will make me more eager to work on things inside.
Damn my yogurt cup is emptying - what happens then?
I need a log, which notebook? Oh maybe this one that I stuck a motivational sentence sticker on a long time ago. What does it say again?
I should wash my face this oiliness is distracting me. It’s like a film that is trapping productive thoughts inside.
Hmm I wouldn’t mind mapping this out on paper. It would be nice to have a new notebook lying around. Maybe even a moleskine. No maybe a moleskine would be over doing it. For now I will staple some foolscap together. Can I make it funky looking though? Maybe some ribbon…
Now which pen…I can’t use this one because I use it for studying kanji and can’t have it dry up too quickly. My gosh I have a serious lack of good pens.
I need to remember that it will not be written from word 1 to word N or even from section 1 to section N. Patches we need patches here.
Does the thesis get double spaced?
And can you plagiarize yourself?
It is warped. I find half of myself taking immense pleasure in distracting the other half from the task.
m1: oh let’s due some pushups!
m2: okay…1…2…3…oh crap, wait…
m1: ha ha fooled you but we might as well finish now right?
m2: well yes…I guess that would make sense…oh you, *blush* you get me every time
m1: it’s for both our own goods…
m2: can you be so sure about that?
m1: yes.
m2: ok.
m1: well, I won that round. As a reward, I get another 5 minutes of your time to write about it.
Does it count as working on thesis time if I go to LIVIN to get some office supplies I am seriously running on scraps here. I need:
- smooth pen
- notebook (2)
- post-it notes: bold colours, none of that pastel crap that makes ideas look like they have the flu
Omigod this is horrible. My dorm room wall is covered in this awful textured wallpaper. Awful because post-it notes do not stick. It could be because I am using 3 and a half year old post-it notes (heh heh bought when I was an eager fresh master’s student) but…I dunno. Add to shopping list above: white board wallpaper. This is Japan - they have to have it somewhere.
Oooo my neighbor just brought me cheesecake from Hokkaido (in the North of Japan) and I have to eat it today because it expires but if I eat this…I really have to giv’er until 11:30pm.
Last night: I started working on my thesis. From 7:30pm (okay 7:45 after I spent 15 minutes reorganizing my computer desktop space) to 11:30pm I stayed on the playing field. I got distracted and frustrated and confused a lot but for the most part I think I was playing the game. I did actually get some progress…I feel. Most importantly two things happened:
1. I left the thesis denial phase - note a new post category for thesis related things which you may see a lot of in the near future.
2. I am eager to meet that monster again tonight.
